A Million Little Pieces

Chapter 1

   "Another crash?" A stern female voice spoke. Sirens began to blare all around me, a tornado of sounds. "Hey, Can you tell me where I am please?" I asked her. To my surprise she walked right past me. "Hello, excuse me" No reply. What's going on here? Everyone was walking past me. I looked up and saw blinding lights people rushing forward to... I turned around to the sickly sight of a car turned over. Wait that's my car! No way Dad'll kill me. What happened to my car? I got closer and saw crimson stains on the black pavement. Blood stains on the floor I hope they're alright. Clear speckles light the scene, a million little pieces of glass in the cold damp air. Scanning I noticed a pale hand outstretched from under the car. It was lifeless as if reaching out for light or hope or help or something. The scene was retched. I couldn't stand it how could something so terrible happen. The blood like a river that got thicker and thicker the closer you got to its source. The source of this river was a body missing its soul caged in between the broken windshield. A girl with silky cocoa colored hair now stained with smoke and ashes. I recognized that hair in an instant because it's my own. I trembled as the memories came flooding into my head. I was dead. I watched still as the police and doctors tried to carefully pry me out of my death place. Time was lost to me as I tried screaming out for a savior. My throat felt raw from my shrieking my chest was rising and falling rapidly. Once they disconnected me from my car I could see a small pink corner glimmering from my cold hand. My phone. The sight of the very thing that killed me cracked my heart. And even worse was what was on the screen:

  1 Message from Jamie- Hey, I'm sorry can we talk?

                                                                                   ***

   It's been one week since the accident and I've been trying to communicate to everyone but no one can hear me. The best part is I'm attending my own funeral. How many people can say that? Trying to make light on the situation was like trying to use a candle to light up the nigh sky. How long would my jokes illuminate till they burned out? I feel like I'm burning out in this inescapable loneliness. A thousand of my thoughts pulling for their turn in the spotlight. They became quiet the second I saw him. The silhouette of everything I love. Jamie, his hair a mess of wavy black locks. The familiar feeling of running my fingers through it came tumbling back. His hair was like the softest silk I yearned to feel again. My heart was being pulled to him like a magnet, as if my heart knew where it's home was. Him in his black and white tuxedo that I know he's uncomfortable in. Him who smiles at the inside jokes he's made with himself. Him who owns my heart. As if hearing the call of my heart he looked up. Straight at me with those deep brown eyes and I can see all his misery. An ocean of despair and loss all the light wonder he usually wears is hidden. Like it's been locked in a box and thrown away. The best parts of him become trapped behind his suffering. I can't help but think that I'm the affliction. I forgave him and now he'll never know.
   My father offered a welcoming hand to Jamie and gently led him towards the service. My father who it broke my heart to see. His hazel eyes have started to lose their intensity to stress. My mother soon came to offer her strength to him, but it didn't look like she had much herself. However with eyes that were hugged in clouds of darkness my parents, hand in hand, got closer to the casket.
    As the service began my tears started to fall slowly because I could've been alive. None of this should've happened I wasn't done living just yet. The pain my death was causing shocked me. How can this many people care so much about one person? A life as short as mine is causing a tsunami of effects. Like when people say a butterflies' flap can cause a hurricane. Hurricane of emotions was sweeping through everyone that knew me. Except this hurricane has no eye. It can't see the damage it's doing. Worst part is there is no safe space. No place for people to go to be away from this tragedy, it follows.
After the funeral all my friends and family started to scatter. Wishing each other well and telling one another they'll get through it. I wish I could tell my parents they'll get through it as long as they stay strong. "Stay together" I whispered a small cry. For a moment I could've sworn they heard me as my mom's fingers slowly started to intertwine with my father's. A comforting gesture it made me smile. Even in the face of chaos my parents still seemed to remain glued to each other like nothing could stop them. It was always them against the world it seemed, and I admire them for that. Two hearts that would never part.
   The sound of sobbing forced my attention away. Jamie was standing by my grave crying softly to himself. On instinct I ran over to him, but before I could an old priest put a calloused hand on his back.  "You haven't lost her," he said with his raspy age worn voice "she is here watching over you. I can feel it God has made her stay." Those words hit my chest like an anvil. God? Why would he do such a thing? James looked up then and his tan cheeks were stained with tears that would not stop. "I never got to apologize to her," he sniffled once before wiping his face "I can't help but feel like it's my fault." I didn't quite understand that part. He isn't the one that told me to check my phone. I can't blame him for any of it. I was frustrated that he left me, but he's come back now. I am dead it's useless to place blame on people. Blaming people only causes hurt, and I've had enough of that. The priest whispered "God bless you." And left wobbling away. I don't think his words helped much though because Jamie stayed standing at my grave. No one was there except us, but we were both alone in our own way. Standing in this never ending silence he spoke "If that's true if you really are here," he let out a sigh "I'm sorry for running away I didn't mean to leave you, and now look what happened." If only I could tell him I understood. Tell him not to hate himself for what happened.
I watched him stay by my grave for hours. Even after his tears stopped streaking his face he stayed. Even after the sun went to rest he stayed. Never uttering a word just looking straight at my grave with it's engraving:
Lucy Ridge
Born 1999-2018
It was a simple engraving didn't say much about me. Didn't say how I was a writer. No mention of how every night I sat and wrote in a journal my innermost feelings about the world. I wanted it to be published one day for the world to know what I thought. However, none of that matters anymore, I guess. I think I've had enough of this somber scene. "I'm sad too, but please Jamie go home take a shower and go to bed. You can't tear yourself down till there's nothing left." I pleaded him even though I knew he couldn't hear. He looked up at the sky in confusion. His thick brows pinched together. Jamie brought his long artist fingers up to his pink lips and kissed them. Dragging his fingers along the tombstone Jamie whispered "I love you" And left leaving me with my grave. I looked up at the sky -just as Jamie had done- as if I could find the answer to why I was here. The night sky was glittered with stars tonight. Like they were watching over me. I know I'll join those stars someday. Even though I am dead I'm not done with the world just yet.