oneshots. （ a. knight ）

0.7 worst pt 2 ♡

"Mom, I all ready told you I'm not hungry. I appreciate it, but I'm really not. Please leave," Awsten said when he heard his bedroom door open.

"Jesus, Aws. It's a mess in here. This isn't like you." It wasn't his mother's voice. It was Geoff. 

Fuck. He couldn't face Geoff. He had probably traumatized him the most, said goodbye to his face. Geoff was the one who had restrained him in that hotel room until the paramedics arrived. Geoff was the last person Awsten expected to come to see him.

"Geoff, please leave. I'm not in the mood." Awsten pulled his blanket up over his head.

"That really sucks then, doesn't it, because I'm not leaving." The bed shifted and Awsten peeked out to see Geoff now sitting cross-legged at the end of his bed. "You gonna tell me what's going on, Aws?"

"What's going on, Gee, is that I'm depressed and would love to be left alone for a minimum of a year."

"How come?"

Awsten groaned in frustration. "Because! I just want this whole year to slip by. Entertainment will come out, everyone will get a sick ass front row seat to my humiliation and we can quietly move on to the next album. I don't want to tour this album. I don't want to sing any of the fucking songs. I hate this album. I just want it to be over with."

"I can understand that, Awsten. This whole album is about her, about your relationship. Hell, you were going to sing Lucky People to her and then ask her to marry you in February. This whole thing is wrapped in memories. I don't blame you for wanting to let it just slip by and move on."

"Are you here to cheer me up because, I gotta tell you, Geoff, this is possibly the worst way to go about cheering someone up." Awsten's head was starting to hurt again. "I know what my plans were this year. I know I was going to ask her to marry me. The ring I fucking bought her is in the top drawer of my dresser. Any other helpful facts you wanna drop on me while you're being so fucking supportive right now?"

"Resenting that album isn't going to help you heal." Awsten's resolve faltered a little bit at that. "Sure, you can hate that album all you want. Hate all the songs, hate all the meanings, scrap all the amazing plans we have for music videos. You can definitely do that; it's your choice. But it won't help you. It won't make it hurt less." Geoff sighed. "I'm sorry that you are hurting, Aws. We all are. But laying in your bed, in the dark, day after day is only keeping you sick. In order to get better and move on, you gotta get out of this bed and get on with your life. I'm sorry to say, but she's moved on. You owe it to yourself to do the same. Don't let her control you like this. You're better than that."

Awsten was quiet for a long time. "You're right, Geoff," he said after a while. "You're right."

So that's just what he did. Awsten got himself out of bed, showered, shaved, changed his clothes, cleaned up his bedroom, and went downstairs to figure out how to start his life over without her.

His therapist suggested that he channel his emotions into something constructive. He was writing every single day now. Not always lyrics, either. Sometimes they were poems or streams of consciousness rants. It felt good to write, to process his pain in a healthy way. He kept his fingernails trimmed short, not long enough to hurt himself with. He also started taking his medication again and started going back to the gym.

Zoning out at the gym was a good feeling. The physical exertion did something different for him than writing did. Writing worked his emotional muscles and hitting the gym worked his physical muscles. There was something good about that, maybe even healthy. It felt good to have a routine again.

Awsten also started spending more time with his family. He'd moved back in with his parents after Ciara decided she was taking over their apartment in Los Angeles. It was just as well; Awsten had no interest in being surrounded by their memories, of the life they were supposed to share forever. He'd missed his mom's cooking and his dad's almost daily rants about the importance of recycling.

Petting Jet was also therapeutic. He'd read somewhere that animals were good for depression and he was endlessly thankful for his snobby old black cat. Jet also seemed to know when Awsten was sad because she would climb up on his shoulder and lick his hair or snuggle in with him when he couldn't find the strength to get out of bed for a little while.

"Awsten, honey, will you be a dear and go get some paper towels for me? I totally forgot to grab some on the way home from work today."

Sitting up from his perch on the couch, Awsten closed his notebook and set it aside. "Sure, Mom."

He hadn't been to Target in a while. He hadn't really been anywhere in a while, sticking close to home where it was safe. Entertainment had come out a week ago and he couldn't bring himself to read what people were writing about it online. He didn't want to know. He'd made peace with it, as Geoff had suggested. He didn't feel like he hated it anymore. In fact, Awsten could honestly say that some of the songs on the album were his best writing released so far. It was still going to be hard, though. They were due in Europe come March and Awsten was all ready preparing himself to sing these songs on stage. He had to figure out how to get it together.

"Awsten Knight? Well, I'll be damned." Lost in his head, Awsten did not notice the other person in the aisle with him. When he heard his name, he pulled himself out of his thoughts, expecting to see a fan. He had to pull it together if it was.

Instead, it was the pretty nurse from the hospital. She was smiling at him and a younger girl, maybe four, stood beside her.

"Hey." It was all he could think of to say to her. He was floored that she was here with him right now. What a small world Houston was. "I didn't get to say bye to you when I got discharged. I wanted to. I asked them to tell you bye for me. You really helped me. I liked your voice."

Her face turned pink and Awsten found himself admiring the blush on her cheeks. "That's really kind of you to say. I was happy to help. You were so sad." She looked him over again. "You seem... better."

He nodded. "I feel better. Not great, but I'm okay."

"You're so pretty!" the little girl at her side blurted. "Your hair is like a mermaid!"

It was no secret that Awsten loved kids. He'd been basically a nanny for almost four years for the kids of his parent's friends. He was good with kids and he wanted several of his own eventually. He knelt down to be eye level with the little cutie and smiled at her.

"Don't tell my secret, okay? You promise?" he asked her.

Her eyes went wide, nodding solemly. "I promise!"

"We should go, Awsten. I gotta get this stuff to my Mom." Awsten stood up, nodding.

"Yeah, same." He paused, blushed, and looked up at her again. "Could I, maybe, give you my number? I miss talking to you."

Her face went pink again and Awsten found himself wanting to be around her more, to make her blush more, to be the reason she blushed. She took his phone when he offered it, putting her number into his contacts.

"By the way, Awsten." He paused at the sound of her voice, stopping dead in his tracks, and turned to face her again. "I listened to your new album. It's incredible. You're insanely talented. Don't forget it, okay?"

His heart was not healed by any means. He had a long, hard road ahead. But maybe, just maybe, there was a light in this darkness. And maybe that light was him.