CRUEL INTENTIONS, bucky barnes

twenty-five

"Alina—"

"No, I did," she went on. She turned away from his comforting hand and raised her eyes to the foggy Wakandan landscape. "I let it happen. Without mind control, without programming, I did this, too."

"Maybe that's true," Steve said. "But that doesn't mean... Look, I understand the position you were in. You didn't—"

"I had a choice," Alina said. "I know I told you I didn't before, but I did. I made my choice. My life in exchange for his."

The two of them fell painfully silent for several minutes. Neither of them moved. Alina could hardly breathe.

"I was afraid of her, that's true. But I could've been smarter about this. She trusted me for a long time. I could've taken advantage of that way sooner than I did." Alina wiped at her cheeks. She wasn't sure if there were any tears there, but she didn't want Steve to see them. "It wasn't until—"

She scoffed and shook her head, closing her eyes against the wave of pain that came back to her. The place on her abdomen where there had been an infected gunshot wound still ached. She didn't know anymore if it was real or imagined pain.

"There's no excuse," she said quietly. "There's no excuse for what I helped her do."

Alina heard Steve shuffle closer to her. She didn't move away. Whatever he had to say, she'd listen.

But Steve didn't speak. He sucked in a deep breath and closed the space between them, wrapping one tentative arm around Alina, then another. 

He made it clear that she was free to pull away if she wanted, and she surely considered it. Instead, she lowered her head into his chest and let the tears come. 

She wrapped her arms around him and embraced the warmth of his massive body as he held her head in place and did nothing but breathe deeply.

When they separated, they both wore the same sad smile.

"Thank you. I should... I think I might head out," she said. She avoided his eyes and went to turn away, but turned back and planted a kiss to Steve's cheek. "I'll be in touch. Thank you. For everything."

Alina didn't turn back to look at the expression on Steve's face, but she didn't hear him walking behind her, so she guessed he was still standing and staring out the window. 

It was true, what she'd said.

She would be in touch, it just wouldn't be for a while. 

There were things she needed to pin down, people she needed to make sure were dead or otherwise taken care of, before she could bring any more chaos into the lives of the Avengers.

As she turned a corner a bit too tightly, she found herself colliding with yet another mass of warmth. She stepped back and mumbled an apology. Her breath caught for a moment when she looked up and realized it was Barnes she had run into.

"Sorry about that," she said. There was a look in his eyes that Alina couldn't quite define. "I... Um, I hope you find what you're looking for here."

She wasn't sure if there was anything else she could say.

She didn't want to pass on the same apology she'd given Steve, afraid that it might sound disingenuous to the man who had suffered as a result of her fear and passivity. 

Alina gave a short nod and started to walk away, but it was then that Barnes spoke.

"I... I want to—I feel like I need to say something to you."

Alina turned back to him, a pit in her stomach. "There's nothing to be said, Sergeant—"

"Bucky," he corrected her gently. "Just call me Bucky."

"There's nothing you need to say, Bucky." Alina blinked a few times, shaken by the feeling in her hands and chest. "There's no excuse or apology to be made for what I allowed to happen to you. There's no reason for you to try to find forgiveness in your heart, and I assure you I'm already carrying more shame than anyone else could give me with their words."

A surprised and trouble look crossed Bucky's features and he shook his head slowly.

"It's... That's not it at all." He cleared his throat and took a step closer to her. It took everything in her not flinch. "If these doctors can get HYDRA out of my head... I owe it to you."

"That's not—"

"It is. You helped us find her. You gave Steve the information he needed to be ahead of her. Or, at least, less than a thousand steps behind." He nodded slowly, as if he were agreeing with himself that those were the words he had wanted to say. "If they can get her out of my head, she's gone. You made sure of that. And even if they can't, at least my head is the last place she'll ever be."

"Mine, too," Alina said with a chuckle. Then, she steeled herself and met his eyes. "You don't owe me anything."

Bucky smiled and shook his head, then spoke as if she hadn't said that last part.

"You deserve to flush them out, too, whatever that means for you."

Alina nodded and ran her eyes across his face, the bandage on his human hand, the remains of the bionic arm.

"I haven't figured out that part yet," she said. "I hope it comes easy for you."

Bucky nodded and began to turn away in the direction that Alina had come from to finish his goodbyes.

She turned the opposite way and continued outside into the cool morning air, wondering how and where she'd even begin hers.