Worthless

I feel nothing.

I don't know.

I have a good week coming up. Last week of school till christmas so it should be fairly laid back. I have a non uniform day tomorrow, that's cool I guess. I have this christmas celebration thing with inflatables and food on wednesday which gets me off timetable for 2 hours so I guess that's okay. I get results back for tests which should be fine. I don't know. I should be happy theoretically speaking, I have a good life, good friends, good family, a good week coming up, christmas, so why am I not??

 I went through a week of absolute hell and have only just got back on track and started feeling like myself. I had a few days of kinda happiness but it's gone back to shit. I don't know what's wrong with me, I keep having the urge to kill myself but I know I'm not going to because that's not what I really want. It's like there are two parts to me, one part is happy and full of life and just drinks up every precious moment but the other part wants me to kill my self and end my pain. It's a strange thing because whilst I'm typing this I'm having suicidal thoughts and "wanting" to do it but I'm also aware, conscious that I really really don't want to do it. I think I'm going insane. Nobody understands, sounds like such a teenagery thing to say but I honestly don't think anyone does. All my friends have stopped checking up on me and caring, none of them actually realise that I'm not okay, even when I say it as bluntly and straight forward as possible. They probably think I'm looking for attention. Everyone my age has problems what with exams and deteriorating mental states and I think people have become desensitized because people say they're "soooo depressed" all the time. I told Oscar I almost went through with killing myself and there was no reaction. Bad that I want him to be upset isn't it? But you get what I mean, shows how much he values me and our friendship and yet I continue to let him degrade me and make fun of me for everything.

I'll probably wake up and be "fine" tomorrow, physically happy and actually laughing but deep down there's that fogginess and uncertainty that just seems to never go away.

I have to pick an outfit out for tomorrow that I actually like and think people won't make fun of me for. Bye.

Also, side note, if you know me irl, please don't message or text me (unless it's on here) about this page or my problems, thanks.