A memory from the park

1. The clumsy beginning

It was a cold morning and you were sitting on a bench in that park which will always stay in my mind. For few days I was seeing you there, alone, with a book in your hands. No, you weren't reading it but living it. That's what I understood from one time I sat next to you. Your eyes were glowing, and warmth was radiating from your muscular body. I was secretly following the veins on your hands and imagining where they go, up, under the sleeves of your shirt. 'Wish it was summer' I always thought. Something was dragging me to you, invisible force or call it however you want. 'Could it be...?' was on my mind every time I met you in the park. Your black stylish hair, sharp lines and strong chin. You were always so fresh with this fragrance I couldn't find anywhere else. I lived for those days in park, and every time I would nonchalantly sit in a place from where you would be visible to my eyes. Little by little, they were craving to see your beautiful face and imagine your shaped body. Though you were wearing winter clothes, I could see you take good care of yourself. 'May I help you?' turned me back into reality. You were standing right there, in front of me, while I was still staring and smiling like an idiot. What came after that was the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me.

I was confused and surprised and overwhelmed with a range of emotions I cannot explain with words. Though, I explained them enough with my actions. Back then, I didn't realize I had fallen on the ground, right there, in front of you. Such an embarrassment it was. But a sweet one. Your help was the only thing needed then, so, of course I accepted it. Your hands. I think, just the touch of them took all the pain away. I know, I sound like an obsessive teenager who has a constant erection on everything that moves. But, this was more than that. It was like you were looking at the real me, deep inside. Imagine a person without skin. Ugh, that sounds terrible. Let's put it this way. You could see the deepest parts of me, the ones I had hidden long time ago. It was a pleasant moment which seemed like an eternity. You helped me get up and sit next to you. You weren't showing any emotions though I could feel them. 'I'm okay now.' I remember saying that and looking at your green-blue eyes. I could feel my face getting red, so I turned my look away. I could swear you said 'no'. Maybe not, just part of my imagination. Now, I regret not talking more about that moment. We went to the nearby café called 'Lust for coffee' which sounded so wrong at that time. Who puts all these names anyway? Never mind, I could care less about its silly name or a damn coffee at that time. We sat next to the fireplace which was placed in the corner of the café. On the left was a window looking at the park and the bench we were sitting at just few minutes ago. Minutes passed, and our conversation sounded like we knew each other for a long time. Old friends. Or, lovers. We had exchanged our numbers and went out. There was no wind. It wasn't cold anymore. Suddenly, I felt the summer warmth and birds singing around me. Big cliché, I know. On the way home, there was just your face in my mind and I hoped you will never forget me. Well, I'm exaggerating a little bit, but it just shows how desperate I was. This young man, desperate for love and care. The man who fell in love with you instantly. And that's how this love story began. With a man sitting on his bench and another one falling right in front of him. Ordinary love story with extraordinary men. In love.

Minutesseemed days and hours years. I remember getting home and sending you messagefew minutes after. 'Hey, it's me, the clumsy boy.' Simple but effective. Itwill make you laugh, I thought. I scarcely ever make a first move, but this wasdifferent. Sunrays were visible in the office, so I went there and sat close tothe window. No reply. People were walking down the street, everyone livingtheir lives, fighting with the cold weather. I could see snowflakes through theair, falling down, hugging streets and finding a place on people's clothes.Wish I was a snowflake, so cold but beautiful. Everyone admires them. No reply.Thirty minutes passed. 'Hey, clumsy boy. Feeling better now?' Finally, youreplied. Out of excitement, I almost screamed, and my hands were shaking. I waswitty enough to make fun out of my fall, and you liked my jokes. Instantconnection. But, what made me feel like the most special person in the worldwas the next message. 'Sorry, I have just arrived home, freezing outside. SO, thething is, I knew I would find you there. For the past few days, I was seeingyou walking, maybe in a hurry, wasn't quite sure. So, I would take any chanceto glance at you, even though I was holding my book and reading. And your fallwas just the needed trigger. Sorry, you might think I'm a stalker or something,but I'm not.' I couldn't believe my eyes. A stalker? I started laughing andcrying at the same time. Laughing because I was the stalker and crying becauseyou noticed me. For a moment, fear almost consumed me. ''Ephemeral. Don't getyour hopes too high like you always do.'' Sick voice inside my head was tellingme to forget everything and just get over with it. But, this was different. Iwasn't going to give up that easily. All motivational videos I have beenwatching finally paid off, I gathered every single piece of courage I have hadand replied. 'No need to say sorry. I am the stalker one here, so, no worries.I am the who intentionally walked by you, just to see your eyes or catch yourbeautiful scent. I was afraid to approach you, not knowing if you are gay, likeme. I didn't want to get beaten and harassed like I always do. And, now, I justwant to see you and never let you go. Just me, being completely honest.'Pressing that 'send' was one of the most meaningful things I have done untilnow. What happened after pressing that button made me forget where I am. The amountof love and excitement I felt at that moment was not imaginable. Even now,whenever I remember, tears just don't listen to me and they find a way down mycheeks. The era of me being molested and afraid was over at that moment. It waslike everything changed in a second, with no notion, sudden and beautiful. Iwas feeling the change consuming me and surrounding me. It was the first time Ireally fell in love, so let's suppose it is normal to feel like that. Or, wasthat just a consolation? Never mind, it is of no importance now. As youremember, we kept on chatting all night, on the phone because, apparently, atthat time, weather didn't want us to meet. Now I know why. So, laying underthat blanket, close to the fireplace, was not warming me up, but your beautifulwords coming from your enormous heart. Oh, even now, I feel the warmth aroundmy heart when I think about those messages. Are you sure you weren't a poet orsomething in your past life? The way you were making those sentences felt likeI'm reading a guide book called 'How to get a man in a very short time'. I maysound lame, but, who cares anyway? I know I don't. At 4 o'clock in the morning,we decided to go to sleep and meet there. Dreams usually bring us things orpeople we mostly think about, so I had prayed to have you in my dreams atleast. I have never told you, but, it happened. I had a dream about us, whichseemed to be from the future. Yes, I didn't want to scare you out or whatever,so I just said we kissed in my dream and how great was the taste of your redlips. Somehow, they were more red than usual. Maybe from my bites. Sorry forthat, although it never happened.