MOMENT

Funny Bones

Even though he was technically dead, Kieran Bones was dreadfully excited. Nobody had moved into his old mansion for at least a decade. There had been some potential buyers, of course, who examined the property previously, but they had various complaints as to why they wouldn't buy it. Needless to say, the present real estate agents were getting fed up. One man said he was going to tear it down and build a resort on the property, but while he was examining the grounds he was unfortunately nearly decapitated by a ferocious tree. The real estate agents hadn't heard from him since. Then there was an old lady who had a heart attack when she was walking through the parlor and heard a blood-curdling shriek from nowhere. Subsequently, her relatives got the house, and they sold it back to the real estate agents, to "do whatever the hell they wanted with it".

So the mansion was left desolate and untouched. Nobody would even take the furniture, which was probably worth a fortune by now despite the damage from moths and spiders. In fact, it was so avoided that Bones was starting to get bored.

Oh, I nearly forgot to mention: Bones was the resident ghost of the house. He used to be the master of it, back in the days of mobsters and untreated diseases. That isn't how he died, though. Bones was actually murdered and his body was never found. The killer hid his body in the attic untouched for nearly a hundred years now. Yes, it was tragic, but Bones didn't think about it too often. He even forgot who killed him a couple years ago so he couldn't even take revenge. His only pleasure now was haunting his old house.

You may not know this, but ghosts have allergic reactions to sunlight. That's why you never see them strolling in parks or going out for ice cream. If they step outside at all with no cover, they'll shrivel up and die for a second time.

Don't think about that too hard.

In any case, Bones couldn't leave even if he wanted to. He just did what all ghosts do-- scare the daylights out of anyone who tries to invade their personal space.

That was just about to happen once again. A lovely young family wanted a spacious house in the suburbs where they could raise more children. The husband's name was Toby Van Fossen, his wife was Sara Van Fossen, and their daughter who couldn't be more than five years old was April Van Fossen. When they toured the house, they took to it immediately. Bones didn't even have time to scare them before they signed the lease. "It just feels right, you know?" Mr. Van Fossen was saying to his wife. "And it's so cheap, too, for such a big property!"

"You're right," she replied, "it's almost as if they're trying to get rid of it! What a steal!"

April didn't say anything. She was busy drawing a something like a cross between an elephant and a giraffe on the wall in green crayon.

They moved into the house within the week, all three of them. Bones was ready. He had all sorts of things planned for them. Since they were so naive, he decided to go easy on them at first-- some loud noises, turning the lights on and off, maybe make the furniture float, the works.

It was Day One. Mr. Van Fossen was upstairs while Mrs. Van Fossen was unpacking downstairs in the dining room, talking to herself while she did it. "Such a beautiful room... look at this gorgeous wood floor, and this table is splendid... I wish more houses were built with chandeliers..."

Bones was ready for action. He floated into the room next to her. She couldn't see him, of course, but he could see her just fine. She was a youngish woman in her late twenties with highlighted hair and a kind face. Her t-shirt read BONSAI! All in all, she was definitely the type who could be scared out of her wits.

Bones leaned in close and blew a puff of icy breath into her ear. She jumped back, yelping, looking around wildly to see who had done it. "W-what? What was that?" she asked to the room at large. Bones stifled a laugh. It had been so long since he'd seen a horrified person, and she was so scared, he could hardly--