I glare. He attempts a sympathetic murmur as he watches me. Judges me. Smells the crippling failure oozing from my skin. They sit there and smile with the private knowledge that I'm the only one who's not free from blame. Never free from blame because he's dead. - My Hero is DEAD.
He asks if I can talk. He receives no answer.
'Shame...' he says!
SHAME?
WHAT DOES HE KNOW OF SHAME?
SHAME SHAME SHAME!
I'M DROWNING IN FUCKING SHAME!
For the first time in a month I lunge out of my bed. Doctor whatsit decides not to come back, afraid that I'll lash out again.
I just can't stand the sound of his pencil taking notes.
Scribble, silence. Scribble, silence.
That dreaded rhythm again at 4.48
At 4.48 when my mind is clear, I begin to count my ribs.
1, I think of Hero.
2, I miss Hero.
3, I remember Hero.
4, I need Hero.
5, I imagine Hero.
6, I crave Hero.
7, I hate Hero.
8. I love Hero.
I trail one traitorous hand down my side: A mocking imitation of him. I close my eyes and remember those intimate times with him.
He would touch my face, I would stroke his hair.
He would caress my skin, I would bite his ear.
He would grope my thighs, I would moan his name.
He would kiss my lips, I would feel his love.
He was pulled away, I felt my heart break
I felt my mind break.
The space between my legs where he once lay is empty forever...
At 4.48 I shake and shiver without meaning.
He is gone, what meaning is left? What hope is left as I lie defeated and remember the rhythm of our love.
Pain and pleasure, pain and pleasure.
The pattern begins again at 4.48.
At 4.48 when my mind is clear I play with a gash in my arm.
I don't remember making it... or rather I don't remember feeling it. It was just hot and itched for a moment.
How odd. Aren't cuts supposed to hurt?
I prod it with a finger,
slide it in as deep as it will go,
wriggle it in fascination.
A twinge here and there.
More of the crimson liquid shyly creeps out.
I giggle a little. The absence of pain is quite funny it seems.
Hero's wounds must have hurt more than this, he was stabbed after all.
4:48 The Rythm of Madness
Start from the beginning
