My Rants

Insecurities

So, this is the first chapter. This chapter will be about my insecurities. This is probably really lame and dumb, but I feel that those who cares should have a chance to learn more about me and my life (though I doubt many people care). I will list the insecurities and give explanations/reasons why.

1.Weight. I'm very insecure about how much I weigh. This plays into my Bulimia (an eating disorder that can kill the person who has this eating disorder). This started because of my biological father, he was always commenting on something whenever I would eat. So eventually, because of my fear of being unloved and abandoned,I stopped eating. If I don't eat, he can't comment.

2.Appearance. I'm insecure of the way I look. I'm not shallow, but I wish I was more attractive. Cause how can somebody love me if I don't love myself? Easy, nobody will love me. I secretly wish I was prettier like (insert pretty girl from my school). I can't imagine somebody finding me attractive, so I gave up on the idea of being loved.

3.Personality. I don't think I have an appealing personality. I make stupid jokes when I feel awkward and nobody thinks there funny. I'm nice, but it gets annoying to people. I talked to much, so I developed a disorder called "Selective Mutism." Selective Mutism is when someone will not talk to certain people or in certain situations. I believe that I'm not going to go anywhere in life, because of my weird personality.

4.Self Worth. My biological father comes back into play with this. He made me feel that I was useless and worthless. He made me feel like nothing I did, or would ever do, mattered. I grew to believe it too. He either treated me like a maid, or a slut. I felt that I would never deserve to be happy.

5.Crying. I'm one of the "tough girls." Boys at my school are afraid of me for good reason, but that's a different story. When I cry, it always either doesn't matter, or the world's gonna end. When I cry, people will act like I'm not there or bombard me with "are you okay"s and "what happened"s. I got tired of both situations, so I stopped crying.

6.Being "Tough." I don't like being "tough", but I don't like being "soft." If I'm tough, then I have to be great at sports, I can't cry, and I have to be able to beat up anyone anytime and anywhere. If I'm soft, then I have to cry about everything, be gullible, love cute things, be cute and innocent, etc. I don't like the stereotypes that these two words give. When I cry (which is a rare occasion), I try to hide it as best I can. I don't like people worrying about me, especially when they have their own problems to deal with.

7.My Body Shape. I'm not insecure in the way of 1+2 above. I'm constantly worried about my body shape because of what it is. I'm a naturally curvy girl, so I'm constantly worried about people staring at me, which has happened more than you would believe (from people younger than me, same age as me, and older than me. -.- Gross!).

8.Singing. I'm EXTREMELY insecure and conscious about my singing and dancing. My best friends haven't even seen me try my best. They never will.

That's gonna be all for this chapter. I'm sorry if it got depressing. I tried to cut it short, maybe I'll do a part two? Let me know if you'd be interested in that. Random: I sometimes cry when my insecurities get on my mind. That's it, love you all so much!~ Bai~~ <3