She was never like everyone else, and she knew that. Both boys and girls in her grade school laughed and picked on her because she wore a leg brace that made a slight click each small step she took.
As most outsiders are, she was cast aside and mocked for years, and years. She had a horrid home life too, but, we will save that story for later.
She ran away several times in middle school, all she knew was that she hated life and did not want to be here, despite her depression she kept on a fake for everyone and everything. It continued this way for quite a while, until she reached the age of 12 and her only grandfather had passed, due to a drunken drug overdose. She devastated and fell apart, quite literally rolling herself in a small ball and sobbing uncontrollably as she felt her heart truly break for the first time.
As all things grow, so did her heart. She was getting a brand new start in life, as her mother was able to purchase a house. She danced around and laughed with excitement and eager.
She told her classmates she would be moving away, they laughed and cheered the whole week, asking each day if it was still really happening. They moved that Friday, never to return and she, that child felt alive. Her mother asked if she wanted a ride to school, she said no, she would rather ride the bus, to get acquainted with her peers. She board the bus and, as to her usual, stood completely out in her black shirt and black jeans and her short shaggy hair, her aunt had convinced her to get a few months before. The children were either not paying attention or eyeing her like fresh meat. She smiled at them uncomfortably and took her seat alongside her twin, whom she always sat with. She and her sister were very close, and she protected them both, no matter what happened.
First there was a spit ball that hit her and she ignored it, thinking it was an accident. She heard them giggling and whispering, she knew then it was intentional as a kid nailed the back of her head with a sharpened pencil.
She took a quick, deep breath feeling the familiar twing of guilt and embarrassment. Whop! She felt a paper ball that was weighed down a bit hit her head. Her sister cried out in concern and the boys roared out in laughter. She couldn't stop the tears running down her face as she felt the guilt not being able to protect her closest sister. She yelled out in anger at her, hurting her sister resulting in more guilt. She came home from school that evening and her grandmother was there, she was recently was diagnosed with cancer and wasn't looking too good, despite they're protests saying she will die, she REFUSED to believe it because her grandmother was her and her twins world and the twinkle in their eyes.
She broke down and began to cry to her grandmother, "please, don't leave, how will I survive? How do I not live without your love" her grandmother looked at her with tears in her eyes and replied, "oh, baby, I would stay if I could, just remember I'll always love you, no matter what happens." She wouldn't listen and sobbed uncontrollably. Her grandmother, being in her somber state decided to drive home to rest. She ran after her, watching her pull out the drive way, her sweet grandmother looking at her and breaking down, waves and pulls out, driving away. Soon after came the day she succumbed to her illness. She watched her whole world die in front of her, as her eyes glossed over and her mouth became an O.
She screamed out "Noooo!!" As everyone began to sob loudly. She watched her cousin check her pulse and heart rate to comfirm her death. She had never felt more broken, or anything remotely soul tearing and gut wrenching in her short existence. After all, grandfather wasn't nearly this painful.
She became depressed and became obsessed with anime and the Japanese, practically this site where you could create your own avatar, posts and game rooms.
One evening she found herself lonely after writing in her online journal and began to play blackjack, searching for the perfect room for friends. Everyone always kicked her out because her avatar clothes weren't the most popular. She found a room titled 'Emos only' she questioned what an emo was and joined the chatroom. They were friendly to her, even complimented her avatars hair as it was a luscious velvet red. She questioned what an emo was and they replied "where you're depressed" she thought well, I'm depressed, so I must be emo! She eagerly replied yes, in fact she was. The other girl asked if she harmed herself.' What? Why would you do that' she thought as she typed them out. " because, you're depressed and it really helps." I will have to try that she thought as she went into the bathroom and grabbed her shick lady razor. She questioned whether or not this is what she really wanted. She decided she did as she thought of all her hurt, anger and despair, she pressed the razor against her skin and began to feel that addicting, sweet release as her blood trickled out slowly, so she she did it again and again loving every single second, her heart palpating incredibly, she felt alive.
This continued for months until she confessed to her mother out of guilt, and sent her away to her very first psychiatric hospital.
The hospital did not treat her nicely at all and forced medication down her throat or she wouldn't be able to get soda, her most loved beverage. They were quite rude to her, making smirk remarks at her pace down the stairs, making audible sighs each floor. "Next time, let's just use the elevator, this takes too much time, we can't just wait on her." The blonde staff said quite loud. She immediately felt her face turn hot red and her eyes moisten. At the lunch table she had no appetite, not even caring to sip on her favorite soda. The staff watched what you ate and how much you ate and you could get your privileges taken away. She stuffed a few heavy bites of food, dispite wanting to vomit. She was there for 14 days, it getting worse and worse each passing day. She caught a lucky break and was able to leave as her little sister's birthday was that day. She vowed to never go back, only to make that same mistake 3 times, each getting worse and more severe as staff became more cruel and manipulative each day she spent on these trips back and forth.
Her mother, growing tired of her cutting started giving her cigarettes for her nerves, despite her protests in the morning asking not to smoke as they made her exhausted and made her stomach upset.
She stopped caring, started smoking regularly and cutting even more so, and began to slowly starve herself.
