Running

Prologue.

All I know is that my Dad is a liar. My Step-Mom's a liar. My brother is too. And so am I!

I can lie all I want. I steal candy bars from stores, smoke once a week behind their back, and still have no solution to the problems I have on a day to day basis. I still am lost, even though I'm actively being somebody. I'm playing a role, my role, and that role I play very well.

I'm innocent on the outside. Sensitive, caring. Or, poor thing, he's crying. But I am quite different on the inside. No, I'm not a sadist. My heart has frozen. I know the bad thoughts aren't supposed to be there. But I let them circulate and evolve anyways. 

The only thing that can make me happy, or at least not suicidal, is the thought; the knowing deep inside my heart that nothing matters. Everything I do... It has no effect on anything, or anybody, anywhere.

So I'm running. What am I running from? Well, maybe it's life. The fact that everybody leaves me, so I play that game better and leave everybody first. I'm a letdown, so no-one can let me down. It even works well with my anxiety. It's a way of thinking and acting and treating everybody that works for me. Bottling up my emotions, never letting them show to anybody. Why would I? It's my business. And I'll cry it out later.

My Mom always tried to raise me as the nicest girl, polite and Christian. She tried everything she could to get me to be a good person. Maybe she saw the bad stuff coming. Maybe she was like the way I am now. Maybe if my Dad wasn't dead, I would get the truth on how everything used to be. I wish I knew my real parents.

But, (like every other dramatic story) my parents aren't around. So I walk to school, and let the wind press against me. I let the wind gently pick up my hair and let it fall. I let things scrape the outer surface, a venus fly trap protecting my emotions from showing. 

Everything about life is like the cold winds around my house. It doesn't phase me, as far as anybody else sees. It's just wind. In fact, it feels nice. Until my big brother takes my lunch money before I even get out the door to school. But that's all my new family does -- take.