Finding Me, Finding You

The Beginning

The simplest message came across the screen; unoriginal in every aspect, but enough to catch my attention. "And this one time, at band camp..."

Those were the first words. The beginning if you will. I smirked and debated responding, but something inside tugged and I clicked on the window to reply. I met you that night. Bored, playing online games, I figured you were just the next weirdo that would eventually send something inappropriate, and I would block as I had many others before you. The online world of anonymity. There was something for everyone, and always everyone for something whether you wanted it or not.

The conversation started much like any other after your horrible attempt at a joke. Basics and niceties covered the bases. But then something odd happened. You were familiar and a stranger all at once. And I found myself opening up as you did too unexpectedly. You seemed a long lost friend, but I didn't even know your name. Calm, yet nervous, there was an explosion inside my mind as I couldn't seem to gather my thoughts quickly enough. I couldn't stop questioning how this random guy seemed to understand and grasp the chaos and fragile thoughts I possessed so easily. Who was he to know?

You asked to call and we shifted from the screen to the phone; my innermost turmoil slowly leaking out into the wee hours of morning as the conversation continued flowing as if it would never end. Caught up in the moment, something shifted. This stranger and I felt a connection. Something deeper than the surface, something extraordinary unfolding in a matter of hours.

We were intimate that night. Lost in words and motions, we discovered one another in the most sensitive of ways. A brilliant mind, and heart, I saw you. Truly saw you in spite of yourself. In spite of the ways we each had previously guarded ourselves, walls crumbled. Gates parted opening to a path we began walking hand in hand. Scared for all the right reasons, because naturally, this was absolutely absurd. Why would we do this? Was this just the conversation of a lifetime? One that would be over and never be resumed? It didn't feel that way, but there was no way to be sure. I lost myself within your words, both gentle and caressing. I melted into the sheets while you whispered beautiful strings of actions. You were there. I was there, with you in that moment of time and space. There was a longing that neither of us could explain, but we didn't really care to at the time.

We parted ways after several hours, neither of us wanting to leave. But the need for sleep overtaking both of our bodies was greater than the need to keep talking. You voice had lulled me into a tranquil mood. And with that we bid each other goodnight. Sleep came easily. I slept better than I could remember, and you were the first thought in my mind as I awoke only a few short hours later. I never slept very much back in those days. Something that even to this day seems to hold true. But that's alright because what I know now is, neither do you. We were always the night owls.

The days that followed carried much of the same. Spending each night online and on the phone with you. Distance was definitely our greatest enemy, although to me at the time it was my greatest ally. I was terrified, my lack of self confidence always getting the better of me as you asked for my picture and I always refused telling you the camera "didn't work." I probably shouldn't admit that even now, but it doesn't matter at this point; we're far beyond that world of pixelated glory. At the time, I just knew how you would react once you saw me. The girl with the great personality that was never good enough to meet mom and dad. It was always the same. I was always the same; the joke only I could appreciate to keep from crying myself to sleep at night. I was the "wing girl". The best friend. Guys complained about being in the "friend zone," but I knew all about that. Always the, "I liked you so much, but didn't want to lose you as a friend."

Before we knew it, we sought each other out all throughout the day rather than confining conversations strictly to the evening. It only took a few days. Both in school growing into the adults the world was expecting us to be we continued to grow with one another. There were times of sadness and pain when speed bumps of life occurred. The mannerisms that came, sometimes, fleeting. Sometimes stubborn, and unyielding it left me wondering if I would lose you. In such a short time, I worried you would fade away taking our connection with you. You hid in those ugly moments, and it was then that I begin to understand the connection we shared.

You hid from the world much like myself, but there was something more about the ways that you hid. Behind a masked wall as you pretended that everything was alright. I discovered the pain as you pushed me away. Pain in your heart and mind, and that there were dark places that you couldn't seem to escape. At times, it seemed you didn't want to, but it wasn't within me to leave you there in those dark holes. You unwillingly called to me, perhaps subconsciously, and I always heard your call. You were there in my mind and although just a whisper, to me it was like a beacon and I had to respond.

This was the beginning of our journey.