nighthawk

Entry 2

I'm not sure how organized this is going to be. I need to spill my life story or my baggage you could say. I haven't been truthful to everyone around me about it and for some reason all the shit that has gone wrong in my life has been hitting me hard lately. I don't remember much from when I was a toddler if anything, but I do have memories starting around 6. I remember it being thanksgiving and my mom making me dress up nice and wear a dress I hated, and I was drawing and using my moms iPod to record a drawing tutorial of all things. I heard my door swing open and the camera fell and my dad yelled at me for not cleaning my room and I started crying and he got mad. He was eating something and he was yelling in my face and I could smell it and I had to wipe my face off when he was done. Shortly after this happened I spent the night with my best friend at the time for, unknowingly, one of the last times. We can call her Lane, and Lane was my favorite person in my whole, tiny world. We did everything together. And one day we had her moms tablet and showed me these videos of people kissing like how grown ups did it. She asked if she could do it to me. I said no. She made me do it anyways. Kissing then escalated from there and she showed me more things. Told me that I should let her do it to me because we were best friends. She waited until her mom was in the shower one day and she did something she had never done before. She asked me to get on my stomach and put my ass in the air and I did. She pulled my shorts down and touched me and fingered me. I like to tell myself it's not bad because I was young. But I think it still affected me. I stopped being friends with her after that and I started getting bullied in school a lot. Then history repeated itself but then time with a cousin. He asked to see me naked and I told him no and he ripped my shirt down anyways. I started cutting a year later, when I was 9. My mom walked in on me doing it the first time and she just asked what I was doing. I told her nothing and she said okay and walked away. I think what would have happened if she hadn't have walked away sometimes. 10 was kind of a quiet age. I started keeping track of how many cuts I had made on my body. By then I was around 150. Then I turned 11. Got my first girlfriend. She was about 3 years older than me and my relationship with her was short and uneventful. I broke up with her after a sexuality crisis. I was really depressed at 11. The cuts went from 150 to around 400 in a year. This was the first year I tried to commit suicide, but I threw all the pills back up. I tried again when I was 13, the numbers were in the 700's. By then time I quit for a while I was up to around 800 probably. I'm not sure why I kept "score". I just liked it. I felt like the higher the numbers were the more things I was repenting for. I was anorexic for a while. I limited myself to 300 calories a day and I would drink energy drinks to force myself to stay awake at night because I had nightmares. Now that I look back at it I think I had something wrong. My parents take care of me physically but emotionally I've been alone for a long time. They call me fat and stupid and pathetic. They sent me to therapy because they found out I was gay. I don't trust them at all, because everyone I do it always fucks me over. I'm just ready to move out and make a life for myself that isn't covered in unhappiness and anxiety and I want to go and make something for myself. I don't want other people to see me how I see me. I want to be happy.