Living As Jaye

The Beginning

I was the weird kid growing up. I was nicknamed 'oreo' because I was "black on the outside and white on the inside." I did not talk like the other black kids where I grew up, which was the inner city, I did not listen to rap and hip hop, and I was a scholar. I never fit in and for a while, it bothered me. I was already the overweight, dark skinned girl. Now here I am, creating another difference for myself. I was bullied for these things but the major thing was for my weight.  No one wants to be friends with the fat kid, so I spent a good portion of my childhood alone unless you count my imaginary friends.

My mother was and still is a daycare teacher. So when I was a child, I attended daycare centers where she worked; I never saw much of her as she worked with the toddlers. There was this teacher, I will never forget him. His name was Mr. Decker. He was sweet to me. When the other children would ignore me or tease me, he defended me, played games with me and more. He was close to 30, brown skinned, with pearly white teeth and dimples. Being the mature child I was, I did not think this man had "cooties".

One day, our daycare went on an outing. It was a small daycare so they were able to do things of that nature and Mr. Decker volunteered himself to stay behind with any of the children who were not able to attend said outing. I was the only child who stayed behind and that was only because wherever the trip was to, I did not want to go.

*** The remainder of this story will contain trigger material***

-Trigger materials are things that if brought up to certain people, it can cause relived traumatic experiences. You will see this in several future postings. If this is not something you want to continue reading, please skip the remainder of this chapter and go to part 2. This part of the story deals the following themes and situations:

Child abuse
Molestation
Sexual assault

Mr. Decker and I had fun for a while as we were alone. We played board games, we danced and watched a movie. He kept looking at me and being the naive and innocent child I am, I thought nothing of it. He told me that he had a surprise for me and that I needed to follow him into his office. I jumped and ran with him. He told me to sit onto his lap so he could give me my present. As soon as I did, I felt something stir beneath me. I was clueless at the time of what it is. The more I tried to squirm and readjust, the more prominent it became.

He gave me a small box and told me to open it. When I did, I saw a beautiful silver charm bracelet. My eyes widen and I jumped and hug him. I remember his breath becoming shallow and his eyes glaring at me. He told me something that till this day, almost twelve years later, I carry with me.
"When a man likes pretty girls like you, we show it in a special way. You're going to grow up and find out that is the only way he truly cares for you."

I asked him if he liked me and he laughed and said yes. He said he liked me so much, he wanted to play a game with me that he only would play with me. He placed me on my knees and pulled out his penis. Being nine years old, I only knew boys urinated from this part of their bodies. He told me to lick it. Again, being nine years old, I did what I was told. I learned that if you do not do what an adult tells you, you are being disobedient and could get punished. Plus, he was my teacher; he could not do anything that would harm me.

I will not go into graphic details of what transpired in his office but I experienced my first sexual experience. Thankfully, he did not penetrate me during this ordeal. Like all pedophiles, this was our little secret and once I became aware of what was happening, I felt ashamed of myself. I was a dirty girl.