Count to Three

Isolation

Jaxon didn't show, not once.

I wasn't shocked, I just wished that he would visit. But why would he come to see a girl with so much baggage it was unimaginable? The weight that I held on my shoulders was one that he couldn't help me carry, and it was something that I needed to learn to do on my own.

For too long I relied on someone else to carry it with me, that I forgot that people leave. It doesn't matter when, it doesn't matter where, but they leave. Out of the blue, they uproot their feelings and their belongings and they scurry away in the other direction, with no explanation left behind.

It wasn't until that desolate Thursday evening that I felt a sense of comfort. Sheryl recommended soothing walks through the park for reflection time, so I decided to try it out.

Night was the best time to walk. With the stars as your backdrop, anything could look more beautiful that it already was.

The trees whistled with the wind, the bushes waving back in forth. The satisfying crunch of the leaves beneath my feet made my lips lift up in a momentary smile.

When I saw Jaxon on the other side of the park, hand-in-hand with none other than Evelyn Sharpe, I didn't know what to feel. Were they together? Did they like each other? Is she why he never visited me at work?

Nonsense. I was the inflictor of my own wounds, the ringmaster of my own circus. It was by the actions of nobody other than myself that anything happened. As much as I hated Evelyn, I only wanted Jaxon to be happy.

If that meant that he had to be with Evelyn to feel happiness, then so be it.

"Oh, Camilla! Nice to see you!" Evelyn waved me over. The huge smile on her face made me think that my sadness only inflated her mood. She wanted to rub Jaxon in my face.

"Hello," I reluctantly made my way over. They had already seen me, so I couldn't leave.

"I haven't seen you in ages. You've practically fallen off the face of the earth, haven't you?" The evil gleam in her orbs confirmed my earlier theory - that she was a psychotic bitch.

"You could say that." I shifted uncomfortably on my feet, not able to meet Jaxon's piercing gaze as he scrutinized me.

"We barely see you at school. What's going on, Camilla? Is everything alright?" Her tone was dripping with artificial concern, and it took everything in me not to punch the smirk off of her face.

"I'm doing fine, thank you. And yourself?" I didn't know how to act in a situation so awkward, so I resorted to being polite. I felt as though I was speaking to one of mom's co-workers, but it was only Evelyn.

"Oh, I'm great. I've got a new boyfriend! Right Jaxon?" She tugged on his hand and he snapped out of whatever trance he was under.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Wait, what?" He had paid no attention to our conversation, obviously. I still couldn't find the courage to look at him.

"I was just telling Camilla dear about our newly-defined relationship. Right, Jax?" She batted her eyelashes and she bit her lip, trying to capture his undivided attention. It didn't work well though, since his eyes wandered back over to my face. I wasn't going to return his glance, however.

"Yeah, I guess."

"I've got to run, so excuse me. Have fun on your date," I waved them off, turning on my feet to flee the scene.

I expected Jaxon to tell me to hang back and walk with them, something to reassure me he still wanted to be friends. He didn't.

---

"Would you like to tell me about what's bothering you, doll?"

I was situated on a beanbag chair in Sheryl's office, my attention on a bird outside her window.

"No, not particularly."

She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair in frustration. "Camilla, bottling up your feeling won't do you any good. Trust me, I would know."

"Okay."

"So, will you tell me now?"

"No ma'am."

She wrung her hands together and took calming breathes. I couldn't have been the easiest person to talk to, especially today. Props to her for not blowing her top because of me.

"Alright, let's try something else. I will tell you about my day and you pretend to be the therapist." She handed me her clipboard and a pen. "Here, take notes on the things that you deem important."

I was confused by her intentions, but I complied.

"Okay, so this morning I felt sad. I had to put my dog, Sandy, down last week and I've been quite lonely at the house."

I wrote down the words 'lonely' and 'put dog down'.

"I went to the grocery store and bought some shampoo and laundry detergent, but steered clear of the dog food aisle. Anything that relates to Sandy upsets me, since the wound is still so fresh."

I put down 'wounds still fresh' and 'avoids things that remind her of dog'.

"Then when I returned home, it pained me to look at the spot where her food bowl used to be. At one time, she was full of life - so happy. And then the next moment, she's gone. There was no warning, her heart just failed, so we had to let her go."

I placed the pen down onto the clipboard slowly and closed my eyes. I couldn't help but relate that story back to my own situation and feelings.

She felt lonely due to the passing of someone close to her. She avoided certain situations and places that reminded her of her loved one. She had no warning - one second her dog was here, and the next, she was gone.

Her words were an on-point reflection of how I felt about my dad.

I realized that Sheryl most likely didn't have a dog that just passed, she probably didn't have one at all. This was just one of her exercises to help me feel more comfortable talking about my feelings. It worked.

"I saw Jaxon the other day."

"How did that go?"

"He was with Evelyn, apparently they're dating now."

"I can tell you feel negatively about that. Tell me about it."

"Well, you know that Evelyn is a maniac. I saw her and Jaxon when I was on an evening walk through the park. She rubbed him in my face, and it really hurt. I don't know what to do about it."

"Well, what do you think you should do about it?"

"I don't know, that's why I'm here. I need advice and guidance, Sheryl. I need you to tell me what to do! My whole life has gone down the drain, and it isn't the first time either. I need someone who I can rely on, someone who can pull me up and never let me go."

"Camilla, you don't need someone to do that for you. What you need is to learn how to pull yourself up."

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