his last moments•connor murphy

dying moments

brilliant stars glittered brightly in the inky black sky, the full moon luminous, framing a spectacular masterpiece constructed by nature. tall trees casted ominous shadows, remaining autumn leaves clinging helplessly onto the branches, bathing in the soft moonlight. a cold breeze swirled around gently, coaxing leaves to fall delicately onto the frost-nipped pathway below. the scenery was seemingly perfect, hinted with a bittersweet feeling that couldn't quite be placed.

the soft crunching of frozen leaves broke the still peacefulness, the sounds of sniffles filling the silence. a lanky boy made his way down the pathway, a frown painted on his porcelain-like face. lifting his head up slightly, he scanned the world around him, tired eyes narrowed, tracing every melancholy detail of the familiar terrian. but inside, he knew everything was different. nothing was really the same. everything had changed, including him.

he suddenly shook his head angrily, tears welling in his eyes but refusing to fall, his gaze hopeless and broken. memories plagued his already ill mind. memories filled with starry eyes and hopeful smiles. his heart ached, for he longed to replay the years of happiness that was thrown down the drain.

❛you're doing this because you hurt everyone you come in contact with. your parents hate you, you can't take a step close to zoe without her flinching. you're a monster.❜ the boy grimaced at his thoughts, not wanting to face the reality that his words could be true. he knew deep down that he was a monster, that everyone hated him. he hated himself. he felt as he didn't belong, as if he was a discarded piece of a puzzle.

he quickly snapped out of his toxic thoughts, surprise ebbing in him as he found himself in front of the lake he used to be so fond of. now everything seemed so dull, so lifeless. he felt utterly lifeless as well.

biting his lip harshly, he stuck his hand into his tattered hoodie pocket, pulling out a piece of paper. he gazed at it with anger and sadness, it's words smudged with tears. it was almost indistinguishable at this point, crumpled and mishandled.

❛dear evan hansen,❜

a small, painful laugh escaped the broken boys' lips, his eyes skimming through the letter. every word was hinted with an unknown pain, the boy knew it.

❛all my hope is pinned on zoe.❜

that piticular sentence stuck to his mind. everyone loved zoe. from her confidence to her beauty; zoe was a goddess in everyone's eyes. but he knew differently. she had a horrible side to her. she hated, she fought, she cussed. she wasn't the ❛perfect❜ girl everyone thought she was. it was honestly quite amusing to him. what other people thought of her. but then again, zoe never showed her bad side. except to him. so he could see why they thought she was perfect.

shame bursted through him, a single tear rolling down his cheek. zoe made him feel so horrible, even with the littlest mention of her.

he had honestly blamed the world for how he had gotten. how angry he had gotten. but he knew he could only blame the world on his problems for so long. he didn't want to face reality though, he didn't want to hurt anymore. he didn't want to feel like a failure.

but he knew he was the problem. he knew he was the reason zoe was filled with hatred towards him, cynthia was distant, and larry buried himself in work. he had made them like that, he had shattered his family. and it hurt. everything fucking hurt. he wanted out.

with a sudden burst of energy, he shoved his shaking hand in his pocket, wrapping it around a pill bottle, his other hand now occupied by a small bottle of water. it was time. he would kill the monster and everyone would be free. everyone would be happy again. he longed for the happiness he once felt.

rest in peace to his youth. to his happiness. this was the end to his story. there was no time to reply memories. there wasn't anymore voices taunting him; just silence. a silence that left his heart aching and wishing that he had more time to love. to feel.

it was funny. no one would remember him, no one would care. he would die under the stars, hoping to join their league. but he never did believe in the afterlife.

making his way to the closest tree, he grimaced. every little thing around him held memories. times he used to share with a family who used to care. he wondered if his whole life was just a joke. a funny joke that was overused and then forgotten.

leaning his head back against the smooth tree bark, he downed the pills, chugging water desperately, more tears slipping from his eyes. it was painful, but it was a sacrifice that was needed. as more tears clouded his vision, he stared out at the sparking lake.

he could see his younger self playing with his sister and dad, laughing and smiling. his mom grinned at them as she set up a picnic. the picture brought a small smile onto his face.

❝i'm not sorry.❞ he whispered out, as if trying not to disturb world around. his vision had started to grow dark, and the boy knew that he had succeeded his mission. he exhaled his last breath, the small smile growing on his face as an endless black void closed around him.

rest in peace
connor murphy
❝a great son and wonderful friend.❞