to the boy who i unfortunately love;
i wish so badly that i could just hate you, and hate your huge smile and the curls on your head, the sound of your voice and that laugh. i would sell my soul to hate your eyes and your face; i would do pretty much anything just to get you out of my head for a day. however, i seem to spend each day with these concepts on my mind and each night crying over the fact that the boy they belong to isn't mine and could never love me how i love him.
what started as a small crush on my best friend has turned into the most heartbreaking and difficult thing i have ever had to deal with. you're still somehow able to fill my stomach with butterflies just by existing and i spend most of my freetime wondering why and how this is possible. in less than a month from today it will have been two years that i've loved you and thinking about how much our friendship has changed since day one hurts my heart. i regret pushing you away to the point where i can no longer call you my very best friend because it hurt me so badly just to look you in the eyes and talk to you; i regret making boys think i was using them to get over you when i was just looking for someone else to love because it hurt too bad to love you. i regret starting to turn to drugs just to get you out of my mind because when i'm sober i'm constantly thinking of you. to this day, i'll never smile or laugh genuinely unless i'm under the influence and i'm the one to blame for this. since i fell in love with you, nothing is meaningful to me anymore. everything i do with any other boy who seems to show any interest in me is full of lust and every weekend is filled with drugs and getting drunk to suppress you from my mind just so that i can be happy for a few hours.
you're truly the first thought in my head when i wake up in the morning and the last thought in my head before i fall asleep at night; you pop into my head about a million times a day and i dream about you so many times each week it's insane. no boy has ever caused me nearly as many heart palpitations as you have and i've never been so suicidal over a single person in my life. i wish i could let you go and be happy but unfortunately, the thought of you is no longer one that makes me smile. the thought of you quickly turns into the realization that i will never ever be good enough for you, that you could never love me, and that your heart will never skip a beat for me the way mine has for you. i will never love anyone the way i love you.
i want to die everytime someone talks about you around me, i want to die everytime i see you at school; i wanna die thinking about how much prettier and skinnier and more interesting and less annoying the girls you talk to are compared to me but it seems to be one of the many things i can't stop myself from thinking about every time you cross my mind. my brain hurts everytime i try to calculate how i'll ever learn to get over you and smile a real smile again. you put me through the worst hell every single day without even knowing it but for some reason my heart still believes you deserve all the love and happiness in the world. i'd give up anything for you because in my brain you're still my best friend who used to make me laugh everyday in first period freshman year, the best friend who encouraged his family to pray to a god i don't believe in for my mother at dinner when she was diagnosed with cancer, the best friend who insisted on threatening anyone who ever tried to hurt me, and the best friend who i fell in love with. each day is a harder day loving you, but i'd probably do it all over again for another two years if you told me it'd make you smile.
to me, you deserve to never feel sad or hungry, or like you are any less than the most beautiful human being in existence, inside and out and i'll never stop believing this to be true. i wish i could show you this letter but i strongly believe the day that i'm able to do that will probably never come.
talking to you is one of my favorite things to do, hearing your voice and your stupid cackle after you tell a dumb joke or do a weird accent is everything to me but looking at you face to face and engaging in a conversation with you is so painful and so hard. my heart aches when you speak.
the time you found out from someone else that i love you way more than a friend is supposed to love another friend is my biggest regret and the day my worst nightmare came true, but i feel relief knowing that you aren't exactly sure just how much i do and how i can practically hear my heart shatter into a million pieces everytime i think about you. i cry for you because i wish i could hold your hand, i cry because i miss you and i miss the days when i didn't love you like this. i cry because i probably am never a thought in your head and because you'll never shed a tear for me as i have for you. i miss laughing with you over the dumbest shit, i miss my phone lighting up with your name across the screen and checking it to reveal an actual text, not just a streak. i cry because if you didn't overtake my mind as much as you do, i could probably be happy. i wish i could call you mine and count the freckles on your face, i wish i could show you that i would do anything and everything in my power to make you happier than any other girl could, i wish you loved me how i love you but i know i could never make you, because i'm just gaby to you. i feel trapped because i am losing hope each day that i'll ever get over you; that i'll ever be able to move on. i feel ungrateful because some girls' crushes don't even know their names, and here i am crying myself to sleep over a boy who knows me pretty well; a boy who i once had the absolute pleasure of being best friends with.
i've promised myself so many times that i would never cry over you ever again, but i seem to break it everytime.
"it's a bad religion to be in love with someone who could never love you"
- frank ocean
