I Just Wanted To Tell Someone, Without Telling Someone

she's back

How do I explain, that I'm going back? It's like a relapse. I got so good. Everything, was going so good. I was brushing off the bad stuff like they meant nothing and actually being happy and myself. Then, how do I say, 5 minutes, brought everything back? How do I explain that in 5 minutes I went from laughing, back to my quiet? They never saw the quiet, but others did. Others all saw it as me just being normal, but they don't understand that that's exactly who everyone else knows. This is who everyone else knows.

I'm going back. And I don't know if I'll be able to come back before we go our own ways.

It's too late to try and get help. Its too late to bring the Dr into this even though I wish I could. They want to diagnose you through blood work, but that takes time that I don't have, and I don't have the time to consult with about methods to try and get prescribed.

I'm going back, to waking up with my head pounding and feeling empty. I'm going back to, not getting out of bed. Ignoring everyone. Strongly considering going and breaking my razor or finding my knife. Not talking. Feeling like my mouth has grown shut and my voice doesn't work right to speak. Feeling awkward and out of place when I talk, so I stop. Developing eating habits again. Heads pounding. The car swerves. Avoiding people. Stop messaging people. YOUR NOT WORTH THEIR TIME. Constantly, constantly, holding back tears or the feeling that soon you'll have to. Just do as your told and keep your mouth shut. Just go outside cause you'll feel better but I feel secluded in my room and I like the feeling. Not, worth, anything

I want to be happy for you again and I know I switched like a light switch was flicked but this is who everyone else knew and does know and I'm sorry your only just meeting her now but this is, apparently me. I guess it's nice to meet you. I'm an old friend and keeper of who you knew. I don't know where she went. J don't know if she'll be back or if you'll see her again or when. But this gut feeling and head pounding is who you seemed to not see. I thought I'd wake up and I'd be gone and she'd be back, but that didn't happen. I'm still here and I don't know when I'm leaving, or if you'll every talk to her again. It may seem like your talking to her again, but your not. She's, she can be, a sham. A text can hide a lot. A lot. I don't remember,  her any more. I don't know How I felt before those 5 minutes. I don't know how I felt before, when she was with you. I just know how, I can feel. It's hard to remember how she felt, or why she felt that way. I know she laughed a lot, I don't that often. I know she smiled and joked, I wouldn't trust me with that. I don't know if I'll tell you I'm her when I'm not or if she does end up coming back and you dont believe her. I don't know which would be worse. If she wasn't back but you believed she was, or if she was back and you didn't believe she was. This is who my parents met when they tried to have an intervention. This is who they forgot about....when she was coming back out. I don't know if she'll be back today, or tomorrow, she could, but I don't know.

How do I say, I think I have bipolar depression? I can't.....
How do I say, I'm crying as I write this because I'm in pain? I don't.....
How do I talk about it? I'm not able to, so I wouldn't bother trying.

Your happy and think things are going back to normal, I wish. I'm sorry, that you will probably be talking to my mask. You'll probably be laughing with, a copy.
You said you think I can be secretive and hide things, you have no idea how I can hide things. You don't understand that I can smile and be crying in pain at the same time. You won't, you won't see past me. I can hide myself to seem like her easy. It wouldn't be the first or last time I do.

I'm sorry, but this is who everyone got used to being around, you who you'll have to be around