There's been a lot of loves in my life, it's a good thing no one knows who I am. I could honestly go my whole life hiding behind a screen if it meant that no one could see the terror in my eyes.
I've fallen in love four times, despite my age, I know it's silly but it's how I felt. I've only had one real boyfriend, sort of.
You see the first time I realized that love hurts was the summer of going into sixth grade.
My best friend J and I were two peas in a pod. Whatever he did I would quickly follow suit. I was madly in love with J but he never knew how much I was. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.
He moved away during as soon as the school year ended. Right before going into middle school.
All my friends knew how much I liked him and my best friend was going to tell him I loved him for me, I was too big of a chicken to do it myself. I also wanted nothing to do with rejection.
When my best friend told J, he said "I knew what it meant." J never replied, never saying it back to me.
In fact, he's avoided me ever since. I knew everything about him. J's sister Olive and I were best friends.
I recall myself having a mental breakdown that moonless night crying repeatedly. It was uncontrollable shaking and sobbing even when my best friends tried cheering me up. My body had shut down completely. I still don't know why I couldn't move on.
I just remember his laugh, J's laugh was infectious. He was a wild child at heart always been a daredevil.
I remember those crystal blue eyes with the most platinum blonde hair. He never wore jeans no matter how cold it was outside. Whenever he would come back inside his face would be all rosy from running around outside in the cold, not to mention his legs, his legs use to look purple. Our teacher always got mad at J for never wearing anything but shorts. He would run around not a care in the world always involving himself in some outdoorsy activity.
J loved snowboarding and skateboarding. All he would talk about was going to Colorado and going to the skate park. He played games with me and never once judged me for how I looked. Even when everyone else would, I wasn't the it girl but I sure was decently known at school. Which made everyone want to pick on me. I always had bullies making me cry at recess or skip recess all together.
Even at my young age I wanted to even end my life.
J never tried stopped them but he at least didn't join in. He was my childhood knight in shinning armor.
Anytime someone mentions his name or I see him, my stomach turns into knots. J still has a hold on me.
I never knew that love would hurt so bad, your first heartbreak is forever on your mind and J won't ever stop haunting my head.
I know it's crazy to think I fell in love so young, but if you grow up in a broken home and the only real relief you get is at school. You'll hang on to the first guy friend you have.
Especially if you abuser was your father.To have just one person who's willing not to be mean or care what's being said about you is the world giving you a pit of heaven.
You hold onto that for the rest of your life. Although he doesn't speaks to me anymore I won't ever forget the memories I have with him and the way J would light up my world.
To the boy I loved first, thank you for teaching me making me feel something other than hatred.
