i get a buzz from my phone, looking at the message that has been sent i feel some rush of light joy.
i smile and think for awhile. what do i say. what is he looking for, and somewhere deep in my mind. Will i get hurt?
i brush off that last thought and reply. trying to be "cool". not seeming to desperate and yet trying to be enthusiastic.
the buzz comes comes back. we chat for awhile, but as it dies down i wonder if i should keep pushing for that next message. is he bored? will messaging too much be bad? when can i message again?
thoughts fly by and i decide to hold back. i stop sending messages and tell myself to wait a day before i'd greet him. maybe a days wait would be good so I wont seem so eager, so maybe i wont end up annoying him if he wasnt into me.
a few hours past not even a day, i look back at my phone back and forth looking at the past pictures, trying not to message him.
"ill just seem too pushy" i tell myself.
few minutes pass and i find myself going through the messages, holding my will and trying my best to stop myself.
its just hard. when you like someone so much and dont know how to reply. everything at the start feels so intense. you want to impress yet be reserved and bold yet not annoying. you control these facets of yourself to be more approachable when in reality you just want to chat until he goes stops.
but you've been there before. you remember the past conversations with past guys, where you tried so hard and yet nothing happens. you felt like you wasted time and that your efforts actually pushed them away. you felt like you were pushy, needy and made them feel uncomfortable with the vigour and intensity of your messages. looking back you decide you dont want this to happen again.
you look at the chat again only 2 hours since your last reply, wanting to message him, but after remembering these past attempts with so many other guys before, you stop yourself. you delete the chat to stop yourself from messaging him first. trying to play it cool.
"maybe this time i'd do it right"
next few days he messages you first. you're thrilled. and yet something seems different. maybe I'm overthinking it but the conversations seem dead. i try to rouse it up but to no avail.
"maybe another day of break will do it" i tell myself
but the next day he doesnt give you a break. he messages you again and it seems like he likes you. but you've seen this before. you've played this same game. you know where this is headed. somehow maybe im pushing them away. maybe im afraid of getting rejected. i try to force answers because i want some clarity.
everyday it feels like we're searching. and yet we dont even know what we want to find.
to be honest i want to chat. i want to send that message. i want to say hi. share my day. crack that joke flirt a little. but ive seen this before. maybe this time if you're not into it thats okay. i hope you're the guy, but i've learned not to sit around and have myself wait for you.
I'm worth more than that. I'm worth all the laughs and jokes i want to give, and I'm worth someone wanting to give me that as well. maybe you're not that guy. but you know what, maybe for the first time I'm okay with that. because maybe this isnt my loss. maybe it's yours
