I Just Wanted To Tell Someone, Without Telling Someone

I just wanted to tell someone, a rant

I feel like my head is spinning. I got nothing to be upset about. I got a nice family that makes me laugh. Loving parents. A good warm home. Good people around me. So many are much worse off then me. I'm just the listener. Im a good listener. Not good at speaking out. Nothing is wrong with my life.

But I can't breath

I feel like my head and chest is under pressure. Like I'm cold when the room is hot already and I'm under the blankets. Like my eyes are so heavy and just want to rest, but my brain doesn't want to shut off yet. Like my eyes are burning from the tears in them that I refuse to let fall.
       But why do I even have tears? I have nothing to cry about.................except for how I feel
       I can't tell them

Like there's a dark void in my chest and it hurts. Like thinking of food makes me want to puke. Like I want to break my razor, and actually feel something physical, rather then something that could entirely be in my head.

If I was walking on the road, maybe I'd walk along the edge, so that at the moment a car was coming, I'd twist my ankle my accident.
If a gun was pointed at my head a work for the money in the register, I'd maybe just look down with a emotionless face, and wait to see if they pull the trigger.
If I was standing on a cliff above water, maybe I'd see how far I could sink, before enough was enough
Maybe sometimes I wish I died in accident, so that nobody else would blame themselves or make me that person, the one they wished they could have seen and helped before it was too late.
If I saw a deer on the road, what if I didn't brake.
What if i just drove the car, into the ditch. Or into a building. What if i was just in a car crash, and I never made it.
Maybe I will some day, but I guess....it's not tonight.

Nothing is wrong in my life, but I just feel dead.
I feel like, I don't really have anything holding up for air. You could try and barter with me, saying I have things to live for.......but at this time, right now......I don't think I do.

Don't try and tell me, to think other things. Don't try and argue about how I feel and why I shouldn't feel this way, with me....
Cause it feels like I've been stabbed in the back,...but I don't know by what......

You won't understand......because I don't have anything to be upset about.......but I can't deny it, but I will.
             I'll tell you I'm fine. And if I do, please don't argue with me to try and find out what's wrong....because there's nothing you can do

I just feel empty and like a something like a dark void is filling my chest. Like I'm gonna cry. Like looking at my body makes me want to cut bits off.

Like I want to fall asleep, and not wake up