to my youth ; na jaemin

일

"at some point i used to wish i would disappear from this world, a world that seemed so dark. i cried every night. will i feel better if i just disappeared? i used to wonder. what do i do? however, as days went by, i really got better. the saying time is medicine was really true for me, but sometimes, whenever i felt too happy, i was afraid i would be in pain again. i was afraid someone would take away that happiness, but then..."

—

it was a hot summer afternoon and the busy streets of the town i lived in were less crowded than usual. most people left to go on vacation somewhere else, which i didn't understand because i lived by the seaside. seeing the empty town that was once so lively just made me feel more lonely. i had no friends, no parents, i lived with my grandma in a small apartment. she was always there for me, ever since i was born she has always always took care of me, and i couldn't be more grateful. she was my only friend and parent at the same time, we did everything together and we had so much fun. unfortunately, last summer she got seriously ill due to the ridiculous hot temperatures, so i had to took care of her and the house since then. i couldn't really complain about my life after all, yet i felt like something was missing, but i didn't know neither where nor what to look for.

—

- "nanny, i'm going grocery shopping. i will be back soon" - i whispered before softly kissing my grandma's forehead. - "okay, don't forget my magazine" - she loved reading, and i loved writing, a perfect match, don't you think so?

as i left my apartment with my earphones on, a group of teenagers passed by. they looked genuinely happy and carefree, as if they had no burdens and the heaviness of life had never affected them. i mean they looked like they didn't care about a thing except for their friendship. - "is that how having friends feels like?" - i thought. i just stood there for about two minutes staring at the many slowly fading silhouettes, before i finally shook my head and kept walking towards the nearby mini market.

- "nanny it's me, i'm back!" - i shouted while removing my shoes. - "here's what i bought" - i put the plastic bags on the kitchen table - "and here's your magazine" - handing it to her, who was sitting on the couch watching tv. - "what do you want to have for, nan? i bought some eggs, fish, red meat and vegetables" - i showed her the ingredients - "what about a vegetable omelette?" she asked - "sounds good" i replied.

- "thank you for the food, it was delicious" - she caressed my hand - "i'm glad you liked it. shall we eat some ice cream now? i got your favorite" - her eyes lighted up - "hazelnut flavor!" - i handed her a cup with a tea spoon in it. - i haven't had ice cream in so long, it feels like my birthday" - she chuckled - "you deserve it nan".