At the end of silence (CC/Andy)

Chapter 01

“Those were the last boxes.”

My stepdad put the moving boxes with my stuff in it in my new bedroom. It was a room, not big, with deep blue walls. I didn’t mind about the colour because I knew the walls would be covered with posters of my favourite bands. My favourite band is Fall out Boy. I really love their music. And I love rock and metal music. I think that’s amazing.

It’s nine o’clock in the morning. Today it’s Sunday so I’ve got to finish my bedroom today because I have to go to school tomorrow. I’ve never moved before, so this is the first time I’m going to a new school. I hope the people here are nicer than in the city I lived before.

I took everything out of the moving boxes and put it on the floor; at first searching for my posters and sticky gum; I’d put them on the wall with that stuff, it’s amazing. When I found what I was looking for I started putting the posters on my walls.  I thought it looked awesome. I covered all my walls with it, except for one piece of the wall next to my bed. There I hung little pictures of bands. Next to my bed I also put some paper letters on the wall, saying ‘nothing is impossible’.

I put my books on the shelve. I love reading, but I don’t have very many books. I practically have all the Harry Potter books and some other books. And I have a few notebooks; there I draw and write lyrics. I also have a wreck this journal, but I think that’s a kind a girly thing. So I won’t tell anybody about it. Though it inspires me.

At the corner of my bedrooms I put down my electric drums. I had real like acoustic ones before in Florida, but this house is so much smaller, so now only electric ones fit in my bedroom. Not that I mind though; as long as I have drums is it okay.

I looked around, this finally begun to look like something. I walked over to my desk and put the box with school books on it. These were the books I needed on my new school here in Black Field. I put them all at the shelve above my bed. I put my clothes in my dresser, cleaned the mirror on my wall and settled down on my bed. I looked around again. Yup, this was perfect.

My stepdad ran into my bedroom. “Christian, can I borrow your scissors and- what on earth is this?” he asked, his eyes bulging out of his head. “My bedroom?” I said, though it came out more as a question.

 “This looks more like hell young man.” He said harshly.

“Thanks” I mumbled, “Have you seen my headphones?” I asked.

“They’re still in the car.”

I handed him my scissors and then walked downstairs and went  outside to go to the car. I did really like our backyard. It was big and when you were at the end of it, the forest started. I could practically say that my backyard was a forest, I mean, how awesome is that?

When I reached the car which was standing at the driver’s lane, I opened it and got out my black headphones. There were lyrics written with white marker all over it. I loved my headphones. They made me feel safe, no matter where I was. If I put on my music, it’s like music on, world off. I love that feeling.

I smashed close the door of the passenger’s seat as a boy walked among the street in front of my house. He had black hair and he was wearing skinny jeans and a tank top. He also had a black back pack. Damn, he was handsome. I’m sure as hell that if he lives here, I’d be pretty happy. I saw him stopping at the bus station.

There was a bus station at my street. I liked that. He took the bus. Maybe he doesn’t even live in Black Field, maybe he lives in a village next to here or something. And if he lived here, he’d probably not even care about me.

I glanced one time to the –empty- bus station again and then made my way back to the back door of the house. When I stepped in I heard my stepdad yell “Christian?!”

“Yeah?”  I yelled back.

“Kitchen. Now.”

My stepdad was trying to fix the cupboards, but by the looks it didn’t work. “Give me that thing please” my dad pointed at a hammer. “It’s called a hammer” I said bluntly. “I know right, just give it to me” he said. I sighed, gave him the hammer, asked if I’d to help him more and then went back to my bedroom.

When I walked up the stairs, I saw my mother standing in her and my stepdad’s bedroom. By the way, my stepdad is called Phil. “Hi mom” I said. She looked up at me and then back down at the photo frame she was trying to fix. “Okay then.”  I mumbled and walked to my room.

I sat down on the bed, took my iPod and plugged in my headphones. I turned up the volume a bit and started playing I Don’t Care by Fall out Boy. I thought of what school would be like here. I sighed and grabbed my timetable for the next day.

I looked at what subjects I had and put those books in my black back pack. After that I went downstairs again. My mum and Phil were standing in the kitchen, making some food. I didn’t want to eat. Food makes me fat. I am fat, I’m a fat kid, that’s what everyone told me, except for my mum then. Phil told me every day that I had to lose weight; though I weighted 50 kilograms and was 1,80 meters. The doctors said that I was under weighted.

“Christian, do you want to put some plates on the table please?” my mum asked. I nodded and grabbed some plates out of a box and put them on the table. I didn’t speak much, most of the times I only thought.

When my mum and Phil sat down too, Phil glanced at me, looking at my stomach. I sighed and put away my plate, “I’m full mom” I said.

“Now already?”

I nodded quietly. “Oh okay, well, then you are free to go I guess” my mum said.

I ran the stairs on my way to my bedroom. In this new house I also had my own bathroom, that was awesome. But not right now. I felt guilty for eating.

I kneeled down next to the toilet and put my fingers in my mouth, pushing them further until I almost gagged. Tears burning in my eyes, I couldn’t do this. I pushed my hair back. You have to do it, I told myself. I mentally counted from one to three and then put my fingers in again. I gagged again. I’m not strong enough to be perfect. I bit my lip.

One last time; I put my fingers deep enough this time to vomit the capacity of my stomach into the toilet. I looked at it and I felt fucking disgusting. It’s not normal how much came out, while I almost didn’t eat anything today. It’s so weird.

I just collapsed next to the toilet and cried. The bathroom floor was cold, so was I. I felt empty and cold. But mostly empty. But I don’t know from what the most; from having no food, or from getting no love. I really didn’t know anymore.

I dragged my empty feeling body to my bedroom and lay down on the bed, turning on some music and just thought. I decided to be myself at my new school, even though I know I’m going to get much hate for it. I am not longer going to pretend who I am; I’m going to be who I am. I am going to be the real Christian Mora. And nothing is going to stop me from that.

I changed my clothes and put on a black sweat pants; my pyjama. I didn’t wear a shirt though, I never did. I pulled the blanket over me, set my alarm on my iPod for the next day to wake up and then stared to the ceiling. I thought about the boy who I saw at the bus station today. He was really handsome. And not only that, he just seemed like a cool person.

Thinking about the boy I fell asleep.