Frantically Numb

Frantically Numb Part 1

I don't know what age I was when my parents set me down in the corner of a white walled doctors room. As the grown ups talked I tried to make out what my parents were muttering about. My father, a prestigious man with no time for his family or no wish to interact with them seemed to barely listen to the solemn doctor in the long white coat. He didn't even skim the forms. He just Signed.

That day I was put on Oxycodone, an opioid to stop the searing pain in my brain that would not subsist at Advil. The searing pain which according to the other doctors, wasn't there. I can almost feel the wave of relief when think back. It's not enough though, I need it now. I shuffle through my dorm, pulling drawers from the bureaus hiding my wrinkled shirts. I vaguely sense the crash then the roll of used syringes on the floor. I need to have something. Anything. My searching grows frantic.I Know I have something,  somewhere and I tear things down from my drawers hoping to find one pill. I fling empty prescription bottles out of my way. I need it please I need something.

The door opens and I see Shinso's eyes slice against the needles, across the red shiny skin below my eyes. Calm, Confident, Shinso who happened to have a study session planned with me.

Shit, shit,shit my thoughts turn into static and sound that drowns my ears and in seconds. Despite what I was thought possible, my heartbeat races faster. I can't speak. Exhale. Shinso looks at me with a look that bleeds revulsion and as I work up the nerve to beg, he speaks first.

"What do you need?" his terse, succinct voice manages to ground me enough to hand him a refillable bottle of the drug.

I am barely able to force out the word "refill."

He is gone and instead of cleaning used needles I can only find it within myself to throw myself on my bed and exist. Existing is harder than I would've hoped, every sound, movement, color reminds my brain of what it is missing. My heart is pounding at an opposite rhythm than my head. I'm not sure how this is never happened before. Discomfort, a yearning for the medicine. I've always had it. How could I have been so stupid?

My breathing is erratic and I shiver but I am burning up. I wait, and I wait, and I wait. I want to scream just to show myself I can. I'd rather be numb than to be this desperate. The ghost I always am instead of this dependent slave. Over the white noise I can't hear Shinsos feat tap against the floor of the hall but I hear when he opens the door walks over to me and administers the oxycodone. I expect him to leave. I expect him to file some sort of report against me.

He stays right by my side. Right next to me while my breathing slows down and I become an unfeeling entity. He stays long after he needs to. Both of us. In silence save for each others breaths. I almost feel satisfied. Fulfilled in some type of strange way. We lock eyes. He gets up to leave and I don't say a word, but my gut tells me to not let him go, and when he closes the door I miss him.