real entries of a real mess

10/7/16 - first

Today is the day that I made this account and moved everything over from my cheetahmegan account to this. My hope for this is to have an account where I can just write. Here I can write swear words and depressing and suicidal things if I need or want to but I also hope that I will use this to write about the happy parts in my life to have record for later. I also just want this to be like a journal where I literally just write everything that I'm thinking down and it doesn't necessarily have to have a purpose but I'll just write it down anyways. I want to look back at what I write and think about how everything got better and how I changed.

Why am I so hormonal? Like right now I'm in a horrible mood. Not horrible as in moody, but horrible as in I'm so depressed I'm acting like I'm high 24/7, and that's really depressed because I turned to trying to cheer everybody else up but I'm just loopy and really out of it. My xc meet yesterday sucked ass. I got exactly 37 minutes I believe, and my PR is 30:36 or something. You'll probably go back there the next few years because of the repeated meets and everything, but just know that it's the course that sucks. Every single person that raced got at least two minutes onto their time. Katie said that Mary, who normally gets like 18 I think got 22 or 23, so yeah it's the fucking course, not me. I was so depressed then and I gave up. My only motivation was given to me by the girl behind me who didn't really encourage me in any way but my only goal was to not let her pass me. There was another girl in front of me wearing purple and she had short hair that was really cute. I think she had a matching purple hair clip and I really liked the coordination. Anyways, she and I probably had the same time if I really tried because I don't think she was ever more that 100-200 meters in front of me and I probably could have ran with her but it was a Thursday and I wasn't feeling it. I got back from practice at about 4:30 I think today and it's 7:37 right now and I've only eaten two pieces of fancy sourdough bread since then. I think I'll go down and make mac'n'cheese or something in a little bit but this is my first entry and I want to finish it. Alright I just got rang down so I'm gonna go make food or something or maybe dinner is ready. IDK. I'll keep talking in a little bit. 7:40

8:21. I didn't make mac'n'cheese but mom made me and dad fancy pizza stuff and it was really gross in a way but it tasted fancy so I guess I liked it but idk. I don't really know what the point of explaining literally every thought to you here but I think I'll get the hang of it eventually. This is kind of like XMAS's friday fun write things because I'm not really thinking about what I'm writing. I'm just writing. I really like this. It's like I'm having a one-sided conversation with myself to make up for the lack of social interaction I do everyday. Is this just for attention? Am I depressed just for attention? I'm pretty sure people notice but I'm depressed so often that I guess they're just getting used to it. The bus ride back from the last meet I was really depressed and I actually started crying on the bus. Ezra was flirting with Brooklyn (who was sitting next to me) and Ezra just triggers me whenever he talks to Brooklyn. He's a really big fuckboy but I can tell he's depressed in a way and Dean is also depressed. Dean is so amazing honestly. He's extremely funny and cute in what he says and all of his jokes and I know that he thinks that nobody is ever going to like him or date him and I would. I really don't know where that came from but that just makes me so sad to think of him like that. He is so amazing and sweet and I know that he doesn't think that about himself and I understand that. I want to be here for him. This is really random idek where any of this is coming from but it's just been on my mind for the past few hours I guess. Okay I'm pulling a Mr. Grant and getting really sidetracked by everything but I said I was just going to say everything on my mind and I guess that's what I'm doing right now. I'm really glad that I had this idea because I need to talk to someone and I'm alright if one of the people that I do that to is to myself. I'm worried about Dean. I can tell that he's not on top of his school work right now and I want to help but we just talk about memes right now. That's literally it. I really wish that he knew that I'm thinking about him and that there's probably another person thinking about him now. I don't want him to do something. I don't know if he'd hurt himself before but I really really hope that he doesn't start with that now or anytime soon. I want to get to know him better than I do now. I don't really know him at all, now that I think about it. We only joke around and talk about memes and trigger each other and he makes me laugh so much. I'm going to end this entry off here. After I finish every one of these I want to have a closing sentence or something. I want it to be hopeful. I'm thinking "this isn't it". I know that that sounds really depressing but I think that it means that there's a lot more road to go onto and I might think that something that happened is the end of my life or I'll meet somebody who is "the one" and I want to have an open mind. Yes, I actually really like "this isn't it". I can just end an entry whenever I feel I need or want to, even if I just stop in the middle of a sentence of in the middle of a thought.

this isn't it. 9:12