Scintilla

Melancholy

I hate my alarm clock. I think a lot of people do. I have the basic, black, digital alarm clock with the blood-red numbers. And I hate to wake up into the beeping. What I hate more is that my brain makes me wake up a few minutes before the alarm. My foggy, tired eyes are staring at the numbers as they slowly move on. Time is dragging. Time is an illusion. 6:59. I raise my hand and as the number turns, I slap the clock before it has a chance to ring. I hear an alarm through my wall from the room next to mine. My sister's room. Amanda, my twin sister. My perfect, blonde sister. I sigh and close my eyes for a few seconds before slowly pushing myself up from my bed. My room is a mess, has been for weeks now. The walls are painted black but they are covered in spray art. I'm a creative person. I don't have the strength to clean up. My mother doesn't come in here, and I'm glad she doesn't. My parents think of me as a person who is loud, funny, smart and on top of everything strong. I'm the opposite. I pull my jeans on, that are too big now due to weight loss, and tighten them with a belt. I pull off my top that I sleep in and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My ribs are showing through my sides again and I furrow my brows, before pulling on a large sweater. I grab my leather bag and pull on my Adidas Superstar shoes before making my way downstairs.

My mother is sitting on our couch sipping her coffee while watching the morning news. I smile at her and say good morning, before walking to the grand bathroom and locking the door. I brush my teeth and my long black hair and pull it into a ponytail since I have sports today. I apply some moisturizer to my skin and draw my brows with a brow pencil. My original hair color is blonde so my eyebrows are really light. And with black hair, it looks like I shaved them if I don't draw them on. I look at myself in the mirror for a long time. My hair is flat and looks greasy. Why? I showered yesterday! My brows are uneven. I grab the pencil and try to fix the brows, until they look muddy and thick, making me hate them even more but I don't have time to wipe them off and start again. I lower the pencil, looking down at my shirt while I do. Why is my stomach bumping out like that? I wore this shirt so the fat wouldn't show. I pull the shirt up a bit and poke the little bit of skin above my waistline, irritated now. I walk out of the bathroom into the kitchen, smiling at my twin sister who is too busy checking new likes on her Instagram to notice me or say good morning. I narrow my eyes, pouring myself a coffee and grabbing the peanut butter jar while I sit down. I butter up two pieces of toast and pull out my iPhone, opening the Whatsapp group me and my classmates have.

Sophie: does anyone know what we do in p.e today?
Daniel: i heard volleyball outside but since it's cold af I doubt it
Sophie: well alexandra's stone face wouldn't give two shits about cold weather, you ever seen her smile?
Daniel: :DD
Peter: lol soph stfu
Sophie: teeth EVERYWHERE lmao

I sighed in annoyance, dropping my half-eaten toast to write a reply into the group when more messages start to pop up.

Sophie: i have a party tomorrow, ya'll bring your own drinks tho remember?
Peter: is alexandra coming?
Sophie: ew no, who do you think i am?
Emily: good, i dont want her staring at my boobs, fucking lesbian lol
Daniel: ya'll wild lol
Sophie: her horse face will make anyone mad lol
Peter: :D

I roll my eyes, closing my phone and leaving my breakfast. It'll be a great Friday. I grab my keys and say bye to my mom and Amanda, walking out to my Audi A3 and starting to drive to the school slower than usual.

The bell of the school rang just as I'm parking my car in the farthest parking spot. There weren't many cars or motorcycles around. I sit in the car for a good five minutes until almost everyone has entered the building. I grab my bag, throw it over my shoulder and start to walk towards the school. The hallways still have a few people in them, but I feel much more confident walking among them than a huge group. I don't know which is worse, coming to a full class with everyone looking and the teacher scolding, or walking through the fully packed hallway with half of the people insulting and glaring at you just because you exist. Thank goodness I have history first. I slowly knock on the door of class 21 and wait for the teacher to open it. I can already hear Sophie's mocking voice from the class behind the teacher. The teacher looks at me with a furrowed brow, sighing before asking me the same question they all do every day.

"Why are you late? Class started 5 minutes ago." I open my mouth to answer, but my throat feels dry. The teacher now has a concerned look on his face. I feel dizzy. My knees buckle and I let out a panicked gasp before everything goes black.

I hear a steady beeping. It distantly reminds me of my alarm clock so I don't want to open my eyes. I hear mumbled talking and my brain is confused. Why are there people in my room? What day is it? Am I late for school? I slowly open my eyes, plasticky yellow light shining above me. I furrow my brows. What is this? My room is painted black, including the roof. This ceiling is white, hospital white. I move my head to my side, seeing a man in a long white coat and my... mother? I slowly start to realize where I am, when I hear a relieved gasp from next to me. My mom rushes to my bed, grabbing onto my arm. She's saying something but I can't make out the words. I close my eyes again, drifting back into the soft blackness for a short while. When I open my eyes again, my vision is brighter. I blink, hearing the steady beeping of what I now recognized as a heart monitor. I grumble, clearly loud enough to make my mother jump up from the denim chair next to the bed. She slowly touches my hand, smiling reassuringly. Her eyes look at me with so much pity it's almost unbearable. She moves the chair closer so she can hold my hand while sitting down. I must look confused since she begins to speak. "I... Called your father. He's on a business trip in Ohio, but he'll come here in two days. You will probably be home by then. Annie will visit you today with Charlie. Amanda has cheerleader practice, but she promised to pop by." I turn my head to look at the ceiling. My parents divorced three years ago, forcing me, my mother and my sister to move away. My dad stayed in Los Angeles, we moved to Missouri. My father remarried with Alice Winters, and they now have a one-year-old son called Charlie. My mom and dad are good friends still, there's no hate around them. I understand why they broke up, so I'm not bitter. My mother opens her mouth to speak when the door opens to let a doctor inside. He's young and tall, with medium long beach waves. I wonder if he'd go get coffee with me? He greets my mother and checks something from the monitor next to me, then starts speaking. "Alexandra Miller, wasn't it?" My mother nods. "You collapsed in school before your first class, is that right?" I blink, confused for a second. Then I remember the morning, the chat and the way my classmate laughed when I was late again. Sophie's perfect platinum hair and malicious green eyes were the last thing I saw before passing out. I cough a bit, replying to the doctor. "Yes... That's right." I am shocked. My mother is shocked. My voice is quiet and cracking. It sounds like the voice of a fragile porcelain doll. I'm the loudest in our family. But now I sound... broken. My mother is confused. The doctor sighs gently and lowers his tab. "Alexandra, you collapsed due to malnutrition. You have a very low fat percentage in your body, so low it's threatening your life. After a number of tests we took while you slept, we diagnosed you with Anorexia Nervosa. An eating disorder."

Time seems to slow down. My mother is looking at me with worried eyes. I've never seen her so devastated. I look at the doctor, who has pity in his eyes. What is he thinking? Does he think I'm a waste of youth? A broken person?

Maybe I am.

Maybe I deserve to be.