If only I could paint a portrait of my emotions, you'd see I'm not as strong as I pretend to be. My whole life I've been told that I'm lacking, because I am not the perfect mother, the trophy wife, caring daughter, best friend, or giving lover. Everyone expects and takes so much from me. True, I've let them, hoping they'll give back a fraction of what they've taken, but when the time comes I'm left stranded when I need them the most. So for the most part I've lost track of who I truly am or want to be, and have just stopped fighting. It's easier to keep quiet and keep the peace. "Just suck it up, sweetheart", plaster on a fake smile, and push forward. It's how I survive the innet darkness that is my life.
The sad thing is, you were once my light in that darkness. You allowed me to escape my crazy and just allowed me to be me. Each time we were together you helped me bring down that wall I built around me. The wall that protected me. That wall that kept me strong. The wall that allowed me to deflect the hurt that tries to consume me, because I fail to meet everyone's expectations.
It kills me, but it seems as if I have failed with you as well. Well, at least that what I assume, because you have fallen off the face of the earth. I always knew we would never be forever; we were both too afraid to really allow that to happen. Still, I miss you and I hate how that feels.
Unfortunately, as each day passes, I lose hope. I know that you don't have a lot of time to give, and I accepted it willing. I was happy to have that little piece of you, whenever you were free. I tried with all my being to be patient and understanding while you've been going through this rough patch. I get that life can spin you off course, and its hard to function. Still, I can't help but wonder if I truly was ever important to you? Did you did really mean those three little? For me to have said them, I meant them with every fiber of my soul.
I hate feeling this way. I hate not knowing. I have to except something I have no say in. I hate feeling broken, and having to pretend my world is fine. I hate that once again I'm alone. I hate that as I write this, tears roll down my cheek and soak my pillow. I can't help but ask, why did I let down my armor, something I swore I'd never do again. Now as each day passes I have to build it back up.
The fact is,
You once were...
Still are...
Holding my heart.
