a chained heart

14 | double-crossed

He saw vacancy.

"Adam?" Lawrence placed his hand on Adam's shoulder and squeezed.

The emptiness in his eyes quickly transformed into a hurricane at the man's voice whispering his name. A storm of hurt violently swirled through Adam's pupils and he threw his face in his hands to attempt at hiding his pain from his lover. He could conceal the look in his eyes but he couldn't stop the sob that escaped his mouth.

Lawrence gently tore Adam's hands away from his face. Gripping his wrists and staring into his eyes, he spoke urgently. "What is it, Adam? I can't help you if I don't know."

Adam stood up, escaping Lawrence's light hold on him, and turned around. Closing his eyes and placing a hand on his forehead, he choked, "I don't think I can do it, Lawrence. The show, I mean."

"W-what?" Lawrence stammered. Walking up to Adam, he turned him around to face him. "Why? We talked about it, I thought we agreed on everything?"

Adam was embarrassed and full of guilt. He didn't want to tell Lawrence how he'd been feeling about the show today because it was true; he had agreed to everything, and it wasn't fair to Lawrence. He was excited and looking forward to it, and Adam was ruining everything with his stupid emotions as usual.

"I know, I know," Adam cried. "But that was before everything was so — real." Adam's jaw was clenched as he tried to keep anger from boiling out of him. "This whole trip has been fun and games until I realized what's really going on here."

Lawrence looked down at the ground, unable to look Adam in the eyes. He knew what Adam was getting at, and it hurt.

"We're getting commercialized, Lawrence. We're being used." Adam's breathing was heavy. "This is all a fucking business tactic. You really think people give a shit about our story?"

Lawrence moved to place his hand on Adam's shoulder, but he swatted it away.

Adam's voice was raising an octave with every word, "That's another thing, Lawrence. Our story." Adam's eyes glossed over as his voice began to break. "We have to sit out there, and relive it all. You cut off your fucking foot, and shot me, and you're gonna have to relive that! Has that registered for you?" Adam pointed to his temples as he seethed.

Seeing Adam like this hurt Lawrence. He knew the kid was angry, but he loved him enough to understand that this outburst was not toward him, but merely a product of his bottled up emotions and worry.

Lawrence forced Adam into a strong hug and immediately felt the anger dissipate into sadness as Adam's body grew slack in his arms.

"I'm sorry, Lawrence." Adam cried into the crook of his neck.

Lawrence placed his hand on the back of Adam's head and shushed him. "It's okay. I understand."

After staying like that in silence for a while, they pulled back and Adam was surprised to see Lawrence was crying.

"You're right, Adam." Lawrence sniffled. Adam crinkled his brow and Lawrence continued, "We are being used, and Zachary doesn't care about our story. But that doesn't mean the audience and the world won't!" Lawrence pleaded with Adam. "They're human and aren't making money off of us. Don't you think it's important to talk about? I mean, so many families have been touched by this topic, and we're the only ones connected to it who are alive."

Lawrence squeezed Adam's shoulder's looking for a sign of agreement. "That has to mean something, Adam. We're important in a way, and we have to use that to make something good happen." Lawrence tried to hold back more tears, "We'll have to relive our trauma, I understand that. But, I just have a feeling we have to do this, Adam."