Save Me

Chapter XII

"Still Roger, you took that away from me." John said in a low voice. "I-I wanted to choose when I did so but you did it for me. For months I had to think you did it just because you wanted to know for yourself and only now do you bother to tell me why you did so? How do you think that made me feel? I've tried to not think about this for months because it bothered me so much. I've tried to put my focus onto other things when all there really has been was Freddie being stuck with that abusive asshole he called a boyfriend. You not telling me why only made it harder for me to deal with this."

"I just didn't want to see you go down the same path..." Roger admitted. "I didn't want some reporter or random bloke on the street find out. You've no idea what it's like to be beaten into silence and being forced to apologise for something you probably had no say in. Yes, what I did was wrong, but I know that you wouldn't want to have everyone find out at once because you did something stupid like I did. Please, please believe me." Roger begged, his eyes going wider with every passing second of silence. 

"It's fine Roger..." He replied.

"Don't say it's fine. It's not fine and I know it now. But in that moment I was scared of having to see it happen again. People don't change easily and I wanted you to have a more gradual change, even if that meant it had a sudden beginning. We deserve the ability to say it when, where, and to whomever we want to. Anything otherwise is wrong and I'm sorry for not sticking by that philosophy. I-I shouldn't have forced you out and should've waited for you to do it yourself. But I was scared, John; I was absolutely petrified of having to see one of my closest friends go down the same path I had to. You always say it's fine when it really isn't. All that does is make me not get to see when you're telling the truth."

All he wanted to say in that moment was that he was scared; nothing else came up in his train of thought and it left those words hanging at the edge of his lips, continually wanting to be let out into the open but never gaining the momentum to come tumbling out. And yet, he saw the way Roger looked at him and he saw nothing but regret grow in his eyes as he turned away, not wanting to face him any longer. Like before, John followed his instincts before his mind could say otherwise and leaned forward, tightly wrapping his arms around Roger's tense frame, immediately feeling him relax and soon reciprocate the hug.

When they finally pulled away, John could only stare down at the ground, his head starting to ache after the onslaught of emotions over such a short period of time. An awkwardness was starting to grow, John desperately searching for ways to fill the silence before it got too intense.

"I really thought he cared, John." Roger finally said. "After everything, I really thought he did. You spend years together and he goes on with some random slag who he barely knows."

"I don't blame you for kicking him out." John admitted. It was still a shock and the very scene was continually replaying in his mind and still seemed too unreal-as if it was a hallucination caused by an alcoholic haze-to even be created in the mind's of someone who was indifferent to human feelings. Brian, the methodical, level-headed one of the four of them, the one who always resorted to logic and was the prudest of them all, was the one to break a decade long trust. It was sick, it was revolting, it was completely, utterly wrong and yet it was done by someone who seemed to never even consider anything other than honesty and the safety of his friends. He knew he was only feeling a fraction of Roger's anger at the time, for despite Roger's somewhat emotionless face, the stone cold glare inside his eyes told another story, one that forced him into silence as to avoid bringing it back out into the open.