Guarded

10

I nodded, smiling sadly at her reference. I would take a hundred thousand interviews asking me about Cost cheating if it meant having him back here now.

Lourdes nodded as well. “He did love you, mami, but in his own way.”

Tyler agreed and I told them I would come back to find them after I found Cost’s parents. I wandered through the house. I didn’t have many memories from being at his house just some cast parties mainly. Most of our time spent together was in public since we had agreed early on in our ‘relationship’ we didn’t want to have sex with one another. But seeing Cost with all the other blondes made me wonder if he just didn’t find me attractive.

The kitchen was empty, most of the people either in the living room or standing by the bar having a drink. I thought that it was a bit rude they were drinking the alcohol of the man who had just died but then I remembered everyone deals with grief in their own way.

I walked upstairs to his bedroom where I was sure I would find his parents. And sure enough, they were in his bedroom. I knocked and Avril Lemoyne welcomed me in, holding up a shirt of Cost’s with ‘Winchester Heights’ printed on the front.

“I remember the day he called me to say he got the job. ‘They just need to find me a gorgeous co-star, Mom, and I’ll be all set.’ He was so excited for this role, I prayed and prayed that it would work out for him. The next week he called me again. ‘Mom, they found her. She’s gorgeous.’ I know you two had your ups and downs, but he loved you sweetie. He just wasn’t the best at showing it.”

I wondered why everyone kept saying that to me. Was there something I was missing out on because I was pretty sure Cost and I were the ones who understood our relationship? I pushed the thought out of my mind and went over to hug her.

James Lemoyne came out of the bathroom, wiping his face. “Hello, Archer. I’m so sorry for your loss.” His words were stoic. I hugged him and sat with the both of them for a minute.

“We’ll be handling the funeral arrangements tomorrow. I don’t think we’ll be able to have an open casket but we’ll see.” She pursed her lips together. “This all seems so surreal. I keep waiting for him to come out of that bathroom, laughing that smirk playing on his lips. I would be mad at him for years to come, but he would be alive. This just isn’t fair.”

“Life isn’t fair, dear. Let’s go downstairs. Archer, would you mind waiting in here while I take Avril downstairs.” James escorted his wife out of the room.

I nodded. I assumed Cost had either drowned himself or taken a bunch of pills. I didn’t want to see his death scene; it was enough seeing a black body bag and knowing your ex-boyfriend was in there.

I waited on the bed for James to return a few minutes later. “The funny thing about being a parent is no matter how old your child is, you always have a connection to them. Sometimes it’s almost like a sixth sense. You can just tell something is not right. Avril and I were on our way home from dinner and I just had this overwhelming feeling I needed to stop at Cost’s. I rang his cell phone and got no answer. The same went for the house phone. Thankfully we have a key and the code to the gate.”

He walked around the room as he spoke, unable to settle on one place. “I knew the minute I walked into the house. It was too quiet. It’s almost as if death entered the minute he died and settled over this place like an evil aura. It’s still here. You can feel it. It’s unsettling.”

He finally stopped pacing and stopped in front of me. “I found these on the dresser before I went in the bathroom. I didn’t need to look at them before I knew what happened. I’m not sure what yours says, but if it’s on the same lines as mine, Cost was hurting more than we know and I’m sorry that we didn’t get to experience the wonderful man he could have been.”

James took my hand in his, sitting next to me on the bed finally. “He did love you, Archer. He did. Avril and I have agreed to keep the letter private and not share this with the public. We don’t want to damage Cost’s wonderful memory more than this already may have. I hope you will do the same.”

“Of course, James. You and Avril don’t have to worry about anything. Thank you for giving this to me. And I’m so sorry Cost isn’t with us anymore. We will all miss him more than he could ever know.”

Cost’s father nodded. “Avril has your number. We’ll be in touch about the funeral. I would like some alone time now, dear, if you don’t mind.”

I hugged him once more before leaving the room. I had the note folded up and tucked into my pocket. The house remained a open tomb for the rest of the night with the living floating in and out in waves, offering their condolences and the unsettling feeling of death still hanging in the air, despite all of the love under the roof.

It must have been around 5AM when I finally made my excuses to leave the house. The Lemoyne’s had cleared the house out except for the cast and some close family. “You’re more than welcome to stay.” Avril had offered. I had declined, knowing I needed to return home and attempt to make sense of this situation.

The sun was rising, finally casting some light on the mourning household. I drove home slowly; enjoying the silence and listening to the birds begin to chirp their early morning songs. It seemed so peaceful. I wondered what had been so difficult in Cost’s life that made him want to end things.

Pulling into my driveway, I killed the ignition and watched the front door to see if I would be bombarded. Everyone must be sleeping or back at their own houses by now.

Thankful for a few more minutes of peace, I pulled the note out of pocket. The front of it was addressed to Archer. I realized I had never seen Cost’s handwriting before. It seemed unfamiliar. We had shared so many intimacies but lacked knowledge of so many simple facts about one another.

Archer,

 

Please don’t cry as you read this. I have to confess something to you. I haven’t been true to myself much less anyone else and this secret is something that’s been torturing me for so long, I couldn’t deal with the pain anymore. I realized how much pain I had been causing everyone living my lie and I couldn’t bear the thought of doing that anymore. I’m so sorry you’ve gotten caught up in my lie and it’s not fair that you did when you were a wonderful person. I have to confess to you that I’m gay and I can no longer live with knowing how many people I have hurt. I’m so sorry, Archer, I’m so sorry. I hope you can forgive me.

 

Cost