Dear Future Something

Dear future something,
I know my heart doesn't know you yet, but my anxiety has already told me not to trust you. The voices in my head have already told me I'm not good enough for you. They've already made it clear to me all of the ways I'll fuck up, how I'll fuck you over, how I'll be too overwhelming, how I'll burden you with my problems. They've already told me that, after maybe a month of dealing with me, you'll distance yourself and leave me to hurt and cry and breathe on my own. They've told me that I'll need you, but that there's no way in hell I'll have you. Because I'm messed up. I'm too depressed, my scars are ugly, I smoke too much, I cry too much, I need you too much, I am too much... they even haunt me in my sleep, in my dreams where I lay next to you at night and all of these "what if's" run through my head and I spark an argument with my insane thoughts taking control. You don't love me, I'm unattractive, there are plenty of other girls who are dying right now to have you in the ways that I do, and I know you'd rather have them than me. You don't care about me, how could you when all I do is whine and cry? When all I want to do is sleep all day but you want me to get up and do things but my body can't take it because when I actually get motivated my thoughts bring me down and call me back to my bed. So I sleep all day to keep these thoughts at bay but they still get to me in my dreams where you leave me and I realize that you deserve better. I try to remind myself every day that you will love me and care about me and cherish me and take care of me, but my heart breaks with every thought of you leaving because there are always "what if's" and there will always be my depression and anxiety taking control when the good times come around. And then they end. Because all good things come to an end. Because no matter how hard I try I can't keep my anxiety from getting to me and making me believe that you don't love me and you never will. So,
Dear future something,
I apologize in advance for the many problems I will cause, the many arguments over nothing, the screaming and crying in the middle of the night because when I'm alone with my thoughts they take over, because even with you there with me I know you can't keep me safe from my own mind. I apologize for the inconvenience of having to deal with your own problems mixed with mine because I have mood swings sometimes and get angry and irrational and take it out on you. I apologize because I love you and I care about you and know I couldn't imagine my life without you, but everything is too much and you're there and I can't yell and argue with my mind like I can argue with you. I apologize because I know at times I'll be too much, but I hope to GOD you don't leave, no matter how many times I tell you to. I apologize because I'll make you want to. I apologize because I hope you never have to feel the way I do.
Dear future something,
I'm sorry.