Concorso "Fantasy Pub" di Fantasy_IT

Fantasy pub (english translation)

"It's not like I've got anything else to do..."

"So, to answer your question, Alog is that ogre over there, the one who's playing cards with the three dwarfs."

The innkeeper pointed towards a gigantic red-skinned ogre, with protruding fangs, sat at a table too small for him; he was wearing leather armor, and bore a huge sword.

"Alog is a soldier and, since part of his family leaves here, when he gets the leave comes back here. He's a regular and he was the beholder of the chugging record here: nine pints of beer. The night he lost the title, a few months ago, here at the Inn came a troll, a gal who made some heads sway. She was probably half elf, 'cause her face was more feminine than any other troll I've seen; her blue hair were shaved on one said and were very short on the other, and her skin was of a pinkish color, near purple."

"Lilac?" Handir intervened.

"Whatever. Anyway, she wore an armor similar to Alog's, but it was more resilient and worn out, and there was a massive bow hooked on her back, its handle big as my arm. I think her name was Dreemura. She made a beeline for the counter and, after ordering a beer, she asked me about a guy she was looking for, but I didn't know him: sighing annoyed, she started sipping on her beer. Meanwhile, Rilir and Alog were arguing as usual. Rilir is the dark-skinned dwarf who's playing with Alog: you see, they're great friends, but very competitive; Rilir kept insisting that he could have beaten him at any competition, while Alog continued to provoke him. It's an argument that they have often, so no one paid mind to it. The troll was trying to ignore it, but it was clear that her patience was wearing thin, so she downed her beer, turned around and said that, if they wanted a real competition, they could challenge her to a drinking contest and that she would have beaten them without effort. Alog agreed amused, and they all sat down on a table, ready. Then, a pixie stood up, saying he wanted to join in."

"A pixie?" Handir interjected excited "I've never seen one in my life, they never come south. How was he like? Is it true that they're half inch tall? And have pointy ears?"

Ojr laughed and answered: "No lad, they're about this tall." The goblin put his hand three foot from the counter. "And the pointy ears are a myth. Actually, they look a lot like you elves, but they have pink skin and dragonfly wings on their back. And they're really hot-blooded. When Rilir saw him he said: "You? Please!" Then the pixie replied: "I won't let you mock the great Beren!" So Rilir started laughing, while the pixie was fuming. Literally. At that point I intruded and I told him to let him join. Beren sat on the table, while Rilir took his seat. I brought the beers and they started drinking. You should have been there, there was alcohol everywhere. The pixie was the first one to lose, obviously. He did try, but after the third pint he became green and bolted to the bathroom." Ojr grimaced. "I can't tell who had it worse, him or me, who had to clean up the mess. In the meantime, everyone had gathered near the table and started chanting. Rilir started swaying at the seventh pint: when I brought the ninth, he miscalculated the distance and got it all over himself: he remained a bit with his mouth open, waiting for the beer, then he looked at his shirt, dropped the tankard, that, by the way, shattered on the floor, and started cackling. He almost fell off of his seat. Some regular led him home. At the twelfth pint, Alog was wasted: Dreemura, instead, seemed fine. Then, I put four glasses on the table. The troll downed hers in the blink of an eye, and grabbed another; Alog kept in the air, as if he had forgot what to do with it. The crow started cheering: "Come on, Alog! Chug! Chug!" then he slammed it on the table and shouted angrily: "Nobody can tell me what to do! I can do whatever I want!" Then he stood up abruptly, knocking his chair off, and stormed out, swaying. We all looked at each other, while Dreemura softly said: "Looks like I win." And put the third tankard back on the table."

Handir interrupted disappointed: "That's it?"

Ojr crossed his arms and answered: "Of course not, we haven't got to the best part yet. As I was saying, nobody wanted to go out and face a drunken ogre, but we made up our minds and got out, to stop him from doing some idiocy. You'd think I'd be easy to find someone as massive as Alog. Nope! He vanished into thin air; we looked everywhere, then, while I was passing Malru's farm, I heard a slurring voice muttering: "Dumb pig." He was in the pigsty, mud-covered, glaring at the biggest pig, which was barely awake. I called the others and, while waiting for them, I tried to ask him what happened: his only responses were "the pig dared me" and "I hate pigs". When everyone arrived, we decided that it wasn't safe to use sheer force, and that we should coax him out instead. I don't remember what we said but, after a while, he got up and left the pigsty. Only to face plant into the trough."

Handir put a hand on his mouth to stifle a laugh, failing miserably.

"He got immediately, spatting "Dam pigs" and pitifully crawled over the fence, almost face planting again. We brought him back here, where two volunteers used a bucket to wash him, while the others came back in: that sobered him up a bit. Dreemura remained at her table all the while, scrutinizing a map and mumbling to herself; when she saw us, she got up, came to me and gave me a money-filled leather bag, saying that she'd book a room for a while. The next day I found out why: you know how trolls sober up? By sleeping. For four days and three nights, Dreemura was out as a light, and nothing could wake her up. The fourth morning she asked how much she had slept, and then she took off. I haven't seen her since, but nobody forgot her or that night, and we made sure that neither did Alog."

Ojr paused and looked at Handir, who was sporting a look far more amused than when he entered.

"What's so funny lad?" he asked smirking.

"There's never a dull moment here at North, it seems."

"And that's not even the weirdest story I've ever told. Or listened to."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Wanna hear about the time when the Inn was crammed with phoenix feathers?"

Handir glanced towards the entrance, then looked back to Ojr smiling: "It's not like I've got anything else to do!"