Sorry

Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm so so sorry. Sorry is a pointless word and yet for some reason I can't stop saying it. It's like telling you sorry over and over again can somehow undo everything that's happened because of my stupid feelings but it doesn't. I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry. I know you probably hate me even though you say you don't and I don't blame you one bit. I hate me too.

   You said we were friends but I didn't, I couldn't... I can't respect that. I've lied to you so much. I just keep lying to you. Every conversation we have and every time I look at you I'm lying.

   It's like I'm building a wall out of tissue paper struggling to hide the truth. Imagine that one lie is equivalent to a piece of tissue paper. A few sheets of paper won't do much but if you keep piling them on eventually you won't be able to see through to the other side. Once the wall is thick and tall enough you can't see what's behind it. The thing is, it's still extremely fragile. One small push can knock the whole thing down and all that will be left are the remains of the tissue paper and a clear view of the other side.

    See, I just keep throwing lies at you and I'm sorry for that. I hope you know that I don't mean to hurt you. I really don't mean any harm. It's just that if you knew the truth, everything we have; a good friendship, trust, and being able to talk to one another about anything and everything, would come crashing down.

   But I can't do this anymore. I can't keep lying to you. It's hurting me and maybe even you. I think you already know what I've been hiding but here it is anyways; I still love you. And not just the cheesy kind of teenage crush that everyone gets. I am in love with you. I've had countless dreams about you admitting that you love me too.

   I know that you don't love me and you never will. It hurts but it's for the best. We weren't meant to be. Some of your friends purposely lie to me and say that you love me and that you and I are gonna have something one day and I really wish they'd stop. Sometimes I even believe them and it feels like I'm on top of the whole world. I feel so impossibly happy and it's like nothing can bring me down. Then I remember that we're just friends and that's all we'll ever be.

   You really do play with my heart and I think you know what you're doing. You joke around with me and say that you love me or that you dreamed of kissing me and before I even get a chance to enjoy the picture of us together, you rip it apart and say that it was just a joke.

    I hope you know that it really sucks. It's crazy how much your words attack my mind and keep me awake at night.

   When I first met you last year and I realized that you didn't like me the way I had liked you, it felt like you stabbed me in my heart. As we became closer, every time you would joke about us being together it's like you twisted that knife deeper into my chest and pretended that everything was fine but in reality, you knew what you were doing. I couldn't cry out for help because if I did, I would be seen as the love crazy girl who is just being over dramatic.

   That one week that I was lied to by your friends, I honestly believed that you loved me. The knife had been finally taken out of me. That was the happiest I've been in a long time. We had a moment. Well, I thought we did.

    We were slowly walking towards eachother and I was patiently waiting for you to admit you had secret feelings for me. We stood close enough to kiss one another. You smiled at me and looked into my eyes. Then you started reaching for something in your pocket. I recognized it. You were pulling out the knife again. I knew what you were doing but I didn't run away like I should have. I stayed because I wanted to believe that you wouldn't hurt me again. A single tear trickled down my cheek as I looked desperately at you and silently hoped that you wouldn't do it.