Let me: Live

It's a cold and heavy raining midnight. I'm riding my bike as fast as I can.

My head is empty and is only going on one direction.

When I reached the small road that leads to my destination, I stop.

I asks myself, am I hesitating?

But I'm not, not even a bit.

And so I left my bike on the sidewalk and run.

I run, stumping on the mud that the unpaved road and the rain made.

I didn't care on anything else. Even I'm already soaking wet under my hoodie.

And when I stop, all the endorphins are rushing into my head.

My heart is pounding loud against my chest. It's louder than the rain and the angry sky above me. It's louder than the waves of the sea infront of me.

This is my destination, the old abandoned sea port. The port extends to the deep part of the sea, it's like reaching the other side of the sea but it just ended there.

The heavy rains and the harsh waves, it's like they understand me. They reciprocates the feelings I have inside me.

I walk as if I'm just wandering around. I'm searching in my head, some reasons.

I need a reason. And I can't find one.

All I know is I want to escape, from everyone and from everything.

I want to be happy for once, and this is the only thing I know that will make me happy, escaping from all this pain.

I can't bare all this pain inside me anymore. I'm so exhausted, to the point that I'm not even crying anymore.

I think even my eyes got tired of shedding tears. There's not even a light around me, even the sky is pitch black.

I sit on the edge of the port. My feet dangling in the air, underneath me is the dark blue sea.

I'm still pondering on my feelings, if I'm even scared or if I'm even hesitating.

I want to feel something, anything, even just a slice of regret.

Am I gonna miss someone?

At least something?

Will it be enough for me to change my mind?

But staying here and contemplating, made me more precise about my decision.

I guess nothing is gonna change my mind now.

For once, I now know what I really want, what I really need.

I stood up, feeling the cold breeze.  I release a heavy sigh.

I guess this is goodbye, for once in my life, I'm being brave.

Brave enough not to cry.

Brave enough to do this.

And so I jump,

into the deep blue sea,

into the cold harsh waves,

hoping this will free me.