It's funny how our intention at first is being twisted in the midway.
Have you ever experienced that you want to help someone but at the end, you are the one who need the help? I thought I'm strong enough to help people with giving hopes, loves, and in the midway, those feelings lost. What happened?
Depression sucks. It's not me. But, the one who I've been trying to help. I think I already have everything to give so that the person would feel happy and all but clearly, I still don't know what is all about regarding depression. I read, I listened to videos but still, they are not enough.
Be careful, if you are not strong enough, you are the one who might stuck in the depression environment. And you might be the one who depressed. For now, I'm not depressed, but I noticed I've changed. I even took another health test online and yes, my anxiety become worse.
Anyone who know me, they will tell you I'm a happy go lucky person, and I can relax in many situations. So, how this version of mine changed? The cause is the heart. Yes, my heart.
Another reminder, if you want to help someone, do it for the sake of help and humanity, not because of the feelings and love when you know you are the one who'll end up hurt. Who ever thought, it could changed that way? No one. Unless, you hope for that to happen. It sucks living in hope. I'm sorry, I used to live in hopes, believe in so much hope but now, I don't know what it is. Faith? I believe in faith but, I seem not fighting over it. Weak? I am so.
I used to rant my feelings somewhere but it was not a good place anymore. Because, I met him there. So, this is my ongoing story with this depression guy, the apple of my eyes. *nasyeed songs as background music at the moment*
We met online. We don't know each other at first. But, I just engaging with him casually because I just feel so, no feelings yet. Suddenly, a friend of him tell me that I need to help him because he needs help due to the depression. And I as a happy go lucky girl always want people I know to be happy. She asked me to take care of him. I tell you guys, we never met, we never know each other, none. So, I don't know what made her asked me that favor. But, I go on anyway because I could feel that they are nice, and yes, they are.
I started to engage with him eagerly. I want to be his friend. I find ways so that he will notices me because he's quite famous that time, haha. And I'm the one who asked for his phone number first so that we could talk because I want to know what he suffered. Anyway, I act fast, yes and usually in any occasion, if I ever crushed to anyone, I will be the one who confessed, earlier and got rejection after.
And the things get wild during the call. I don't know what is it but I feel so happy got to hear his voice and listened to him. Maybe because he was so hard to talk to at first. Seriously, I'm the one who did the talk a lot. He spoke to me a little bit like not interested at all. In this situation I would be so turned off but, the otherwise that happened. I feel something about his coldness and I feel like want to get to know him more. Well, maybe I feel want to help him but the fact that he's also the eldest in his family as me make me know it's hard for him to open up. Come on, the eldest are the one who hard to open up and rather keep things for themselves.
This story started at the end of January and now the date I write this story is at the mid of March. One month and half could changed me, like a lot. The feelings I had for him became stronger after we decided to meet on the weekend. It just a few days and feelings developed? At first, I thought it just an infatuation where you are just attracted to someone's affection and just that but, after the met up, the feelings seem uncontrollable. I became a bit clingy and over-reacting. It's like I want other people to know that I'm chasing him.
