episodes of my lil mind

episode 1

i dont really know how to start or where to even start. i guess u could say that im going insane, because i am. im completely insane. I'm not fine, I'm not ok. I've been waiting for someone to figure that out but they don't because as long as i say the right thing and act the right way then I'm ok. even if they could tell that im not ok, they just leave me and act like life's perfect and that everything is rainbows and sunshines. some say i just need time, but really. do you really need time to just get over the fact that i can't be normal and like everyone else? when someone asks you if you're ok, its not like they care. there isn't anything they could do about it anyways. people say that they will always be there for you and that they care and they understand but the truth is they don't.  the truth is I'm selfish, I'm the worst friend, worst sister, worst daughter, worst person. i get jealous of other people's happiness, i get jealous because i can't be that cheerful and i never will be. gosh, i feel guilty for it but i cant seem to like myself. i look at my bestfriend and ask myself why cant i be like that. shes so perfect, so freakin perfect. she incredibly beautiful and is actually an walking angel. her smile is gorgeous and her soul is sweet. i cant help but feel jealous of her, her looks, her laugh, her smile, her personality, her happiness. i act careless and mean because i don't feel ok. i feel fake. i act fake. i am fake. i try so hard to be happy, to show everyone that i am a happy cheerful person. but I'm not. i try so hard, so hard, to join in and laugh with everyone else. but i cant. i just sit there and feel this empty darkness spread inside of me. i don't deserve friends, i don't deserve family, i don't deserve to be happy. because I'm the most selfish person i know, I'm the worst person i know. i don't like me. i hate myself. and i can't change the fact that i do. I'm so tired of feeling like there is a hole in me, a big black hole. its like i want to just disappear and watch everyone move on happily without me.  but the weirdest part is theres nothing really wrong with my life. i mean, i have friends, i have family, i have everything that should fulfil my needs. yet i still feel empty. there are just so many things going on in my head its like im gonna explode. and im confused. i feel so confused. and lost. and just ytrserdtfyguio;poiuyftyguhio. i dont know what to do. i really dont. first ep in and ur probs already bored, but im not surprised. im pretty boring, aren't i?