Married to a Monster

Twenty

You cringed at the thought of Jongin seeing you in something and as you did, you groaned. If you cringed at the idea of him seeing you in something then you definitely weren't in the place you needed to be. It was common for a married woman to be excited to dress sexy for her husband, but for you, you weren't sure how to feel.

It was a topic that you and Jongin hadn't even skated around talking about nor had his hands ever went anywhere even remotely dangerous. Always on top of your clothes and held firmly.

"Relax there, puppy," Kat said gently as she grabbed your hand to release it from the silk lingerie you had unintentionally grabbed and knotted up in your hand. "It will work out, okay? You two have been in love with each other for so long. Maybe he's just scared you aren't ready for it, mm? If you show him you are, there's no way he'll deny you."

You gave her a look. She hadn't known the whole story or the way Jongin had treated you in the past. The thing was, it was just that – the past. There was no need to relive it when you wanted to move past it. Since Kat wasn't around for it all, it was best to just summarize that you and Jongin had a falling out and didn't get along for a short period. Kat didn't understand why Jongin had treated you like such a fragile person but even if she had, you were certain that her advice would be the same: to take your relationship to the next level in an attempt to deepen the bond.

So, you let her have this one and bought the deep blue almost see-through baby doll dress that actually made you feel good about your body when you put it on.

It hit just below your bottom and had a ruffled edge that made you want to spin in circles and watch how it flowed around you.

Regardless of how good it made you feel, you were a shaking mess on Jongin's birthday.

The two of you had dinner together at your favorite restaurant and while you had chosen a simple black dress, you were suddenly insecure about every piece of showing skin – no doubt because you would be showing a lot of skin to Jongin tonight.

"Are you okay?" Jongin asked quietly while reaching his hand out towards your chin. His hand grasped it, tilting your face in multiple directions as if to inspect you.

The hand that held your wine glass was shaking around the stem and you couldn't find a way to stop it. "I'm okay," you said with a voice that wasn't anywhere near convincing.

He let out a small breath and dropped his hand, "Just because it's my birthday doesn't mean you have to pretend to be okay. If something is wrong, tell me."

His eyes were watching you carefully. "Do you love me?" You asked in a small voice.

"What kind of question is that?" His voice held a tone of hurt, "Of course I do. More than anything. Everything."

"Are you in love with me?"

Reaching for your hand across the table, he smiled. "I've been stupid in love with you for so long that I don't know what not loving you is like."

As you released your wine glass, you grasped his hand. "Lately since everything has... gotten less complicated, I feel like we're in limbo."

Raising a brow, he urged you to continue.

"I feel like we're not moving further in our relationship," you trailed off.

You can see the panic as it made its way onto Jongin's face and instantly, you felt bad for not prefacing your words more.

"I'm not wanting to stop, Jongin. I want to be with you," and with that he relaxed. "I just don't feel like a couple."

Taking your words in, he bit his lip a few times. "What makes you feel like we aren't?"