Hard To Love, How To Love

No More

"Hyunseung-ah, you should dry yourself." Junhyung warns the other while throwing a warm, fuzzy towel to his direction.

He manages to catch it anways, coughing softly before starting to dry his hair and arms with the said cloth. He seems sadder.

I feel Doojoon pull away and I instinctively cling unto his shirt. He stumbles back with a soft shuffle and looks back down at me. "I'll be right back, I'll just get some snacks. Would you fancy you getting it yourself?"

"Yes. You stay here and have some talk." I could still feel Junhyung's heavy gaze on me.

I paced back to the kitchen with a heavy heart and lean back on the counter with my eyes brimming with tears. Why did he look at me that way? Why doesn't he hate me? Why can't he forget about me? It's been too long.

"Hey" My chest constricts very painfully. 

He was standing by the doorway, towel resting on his shoulders and his eyes directed to mine. It's been a long time. His hair is longer and his eyes seem darker. His clothes seem the same but I feel the person wearing it different from the last time.

"Hey."

He walks inside and I think This isn't supposed to happen. You aren't supposed to be walking back in here, you were supposed to be there, there, sitting with them Why are you here? before stepping back a few steps.

"It's been a long time, don't you think?" Step, then another, followed by another.

He stands firmly in front of me, his gaze soft and vulnerable. "Yes, it has been a long time." I mutter.

"I've been in Europe for the past year." He starts, his voice a lot more subtle than I last remember it to be. "The place was magical." He turns to me again, his eyes turning into crescents as he forces himself to smile. "I wanted to take you with me. I wanted you to see the magic with me. But I guess our magic never lived up to our expectations."

Silence settles thickly around us and I press my lips together, forming a thin line. I can't breathe. You're not letting me breathe, Hyunseung. How about you? Are you breathing? Can you still breathe? You're too close to me. This isn't right.

My thoughts channel away when I heard him muffle a sniffle. He's crying. Why is he still crying? He's not supposed to be crying about me. You're supposed to be strong and you were expected to move on but why are you standing right infront of me, crying?

I force myself to turn my back and face the wall, desperately avoiding his gaze. Those gaze. You shouldn't be hurt by me anymore.

"Why are you still crying, Hyunseung?" Silence.

"You might get sick" I swallow back down the lump in my throat. "It's okay. I'm okay."  He answers weakly, like death was taking him away.

 

"You should dry yourself."

His warms hands gripped my shoulders and I wince a bit.

He slowly pulled me back to him, as if asking me whether it was okay. I didn't move, much to my demise and I felt his wet clothes against my back. He was still crying as he held me tighter to his body. His cologne was familiar. This was the cologne she liked the most and the one he hated the most. There's so much to this, and I don't like being like this anymore. We shouldn't stay like this, we can't stay like this.

His calloused fingers travelled down until it rested on my elbow. His fingers were cold. "Will you get me hot chocolate like last time, too?"

I stay quiet. No, there is no hot chocolate. There is no us anymore.

"I love you" He sobs. 

But there was nothing I could say back.

I have no more warmth to share with you anymore. No more, I am not someone you can lean on anymore.

I walk out of the kitchen first, leaving him there to give him some space to breathe. He needs air. He needs a lot of things. And I am one of the things he shouldn't need. I don't belong in his heart anymore.

"Remember, I'm not a big fan of Doojoon's relationship with you" Junhyung had said straight to my face when Doojoon slipped away for a call.

"Why does he keep coming back to me? I don't deserve that anymore. He should give it to other people instead of insisting it on me. He deserves to be happy." I blink away tears. "We were over for 3 years but why can't that thought sink into his head? It's hurting me seeing him like this. I have no more to give him, Junhyung."

=

"Can't you give me another chance?" He stood there, under the rain, with a bouquet of roses in hand while his eyes darted into mine. "I can undo my mistakes. I can make them right and I won't make them again."

"Hyunseung, go home. It's raining and you'll get sick..."

"I still love you and I can make this work."

"We can't go back, you know that." My lips tremble a bit as I hugged myself. "You won't be happy next to me and it won't make any difference."

He broke down on the ground, the bouquet of roses falling from his hands. Tears brimmed my eyes again but this time, I let them fall down.

"Hyunseung," I call out. "Hyunseung, look up at me."

He chokes out another sob before looking up at my teary eyes. "Come inside."

I bit my lip harder as I watched him stare at me with his blank gaze. "Hyunseung-ah, come inside. You'll get sick."

And so there he ended up, showering in the bathroom and me preparing some clothes that he had left years ago. They were a little old and a little faded, but they were his and he could somehow wear it and we can pretend to back in the past. Yes, the past.

I prepare some hot chocolate like last time and when he had come down from the bathroom, he looked quite the same as he did when we were still together.

"I made you hot chocolate."

The mug was hot against my palm and I couldn't help but swallow back down another lump in my throat. We settled back in the livingroom without anyone making any noise.

"Listen, Hyunseung, everything needs to stop here." He stares at his mug blankly. 

He began tearing up again and I couldn't do anything besides pull his head to rest on my shoulder. He held me there, like last time; but this time, he was crying and we weren't together. We weren't the same. Nothing was ever the same again.

"You can cry if you want." I whisper. "You can cry to wash all of me away."

"If that's what it takes to erase the lingering attachment in your heart. Hyunseung, I'm not worth the pain you're going through right now. I'm no longer the same person who was with you in the past. I don't want to lie and say you are here because I  want to be back with you. I'll stay with you just for tonight but for tomorrow, I want you to hurry and get up. Get out of my hands, get me out of your head. Get me out of your heart, but today, you can stay with me."

He starts shaking violently in my arms and I can't bear to see him in pain anymore. You can do this, I may not love you anymore but I still know you better than anyone else. I believe in you.

"What did I do to make you like this, Hyunseung?" I thread my fingers through his blonde hair. "You're so perfect so you should find someone as perfect as you."

"You are lying. I am not perfect. I hurt you. I threw you away, treated you like garbage and I made you tired. But I love you so so so much."