Heartbreak Story - Byler

XVII - All the Trust is Broken Now

Will shook his small head before looking deeply into my eyes and finally coming clean to me with words I could never have dreamt of even in my most blissful of slumbers. "You were. I've loved you for a very long time, Mikey. I loved you and I still love you now more than I thought I ever could love a person." I felt my heart burst within my chest from joy as what Will was telling me was more than I could ever have hoped for. I was about to tell him I loved him too but he continued before I had the chance to open my mouth. "And that terrifies me."

The conversation with Jonathan swam in my head as I recalled him telling me this very thing: Will loved me but was too scared to allow himself to do so. The elder Byers boy honestly knew his brother so well that it made my head spin. I told myself a while ago that this was the best case scenario and if Will wasn't ready, I'd wait. If he'd never be ready then I wouldn't abandon him, he's still my best friend and nothing in the world could ever change that.

"It doesn't have to be a scary thing, Will." I whispered, completely at a loss for what to say but hoping I could at least bring him some comfort.

"I can't let myself love you even though I know that I do, do you understand?" Will begged of me, his bright eyes shimmering with fresh tears as they stared at me intently. "My whole life, I've ran from my feelings for you because it terrifies me that I can feel so much for someone and to allow myself to give into those emotions would mean there's no coming back. You'd completely and utterly have the power to destroy me and I need to protect myself from that ever happening."

"I'd never hurt you, you must know-"

"Nobody knows what our future could hold. Even if what you're saying is true and you do really love me, you can't be sure that you'd never get bored and fall out of love with me or find somebody else because I'm not good enough for you and I never will be. Still, the thought that we could be together and that could ever potentially end is too much for me. We don't know that wouldn't happen and therefore it's always going to be a possibility. Trust me, Mike, I know I'd never recover if you ever broke my heart because it wouldn't just snap in two and could be stitched back up by somebody else, it would be entirely shattered into millions of pieces and scattered to the winds, totally irreparable forever."

The two of us kept quiet and didn't say a word for a few seconds. I desperately wanted to console him and promise him that I could never abandon him but I found I had become a mute. Internally, I frantically searched but couldn't discover where my voice had hidden itself and words were a jumble in my head, they were senseless and elusive to me. I needed to tell him I would always love him but how could I when I no longer had the capability of speech?

"I truly, truly love you but it changes nothing. I can't give myself to you because, if I did, I could never get myself back and it would ruin me. Do you understand?" Will repeated his question and I discovered that the hardest thing I would ever have to do in my life would be to nod in response in that very moment but I did it because Will needed me to and I'd always be dedicated to fulfilling any request he could ask of me. I was his and that's just that.

"Goodbye, Mike." Came his sweet, sweet voice as he slid past me and out of the bathroom, leaving me standing all alone, unsure of whether I was still alive or if my heart had forced through its final, agonising beat and stopped altogether.

My legs were shaking as I stood, my feet rooted to the bathroom floor as though we were both a part of the same slab of marble and could only be separated through some brute force of will that I did not possess. I was vaguely aware of someone walking into the bathroom and observing my strange behaviour in shock before backing out again. If I hadn't just been thrown into emotional turmoil like none I'd ever previously experienced, I might have laughed at the thought that this was going to add more fuel to the rumour blaze that Mike Wheeler was truly insane -  however, I remained silent and unmoving. Maybe they weren't so wrong about me, after all. Maybe I had totally lost my mind.