Look around you, now stop. Look up, look down, Look back at the screen, stop. Try to remember the last thing you were thinking about before you read that. If you can, congrats! Now if you can't, high chances you have Adhd. I can't even remember, i look at my screen and type these words but i don't think, i forget. Imagine you're walking down the street, oh look a yellow Mustang, Oh! A squirrel ran up that tree over there! Play's those two things on repeat, over and over and over and over and over and over. You're now at school. You're sitting at the back of the class writing down an assignment , you think of the Mustang. Like magic you right that down without even noticing. Why can i remember stupid things like that, but not what 92xY=?
I'm always hyper, always yelling without noticing, Anger issues, Immature, I'm always the "weird kid" Always wanting to be normal. To be them, and not me. Easily distracted, always wants to be the centre of attention, but doesn't go out my to be the centre of attention. Reads, plays video games, stupid, needy, insomnia, greedy, spoiled, an asshole, weak. Then we come across the stereotype of being a black male. I'm supposed to be strong, not supposed to take any shit. Fight when someone's talking trash, athletic, all the things i'm not. You take all those things and you tie them up and throw them into me, now you have perfect bullying material, i don't have many friends i don't socialize but when i do, i try to make it more about me, and yet online it's more about the other person. Why can't i be like i am online? A smooth talker, able too befriend everyone he comes across, not annoying. Who know's? maybe i was dammed to begin with.
Now we get to other people i've met online. Threedlessneedle. God i looked up to her you know? She was beautiful, good at writing, smart, and when we talked over chat it was like i met an entire different person than i thought, she was perfect too me. Someone who i could be if i tried. So i did, wrote a couple cringe worthy shit. Tried to get better, deleted them and now, here we are. Looking back at how awkward i made her feel. Things are different now. I still enjoy company sure, over online now than anything, now back on wattpad. That's when i came across something that bothered me. I don't take suicide lightly. I've never had to go through it, or lose somebody to it. Reading thread's diary, it changed who i thought she was in the span of 30 minutes. Never did it make me think of her as someone crazy though. Right now, i'm trying to think of a way i can say i want to talk to you but i can't. "Hey, i read your diary can i make you feel better?" how can i say that without being a fucking arse? Maybe i'm overthinking it? What about saying you're pretty cool? I really want to play Rainbow right now, oh! Maybe Super smash? Still need too get better at samus. Oh, For Honor sounds fun! Valk is best. Wait what was i talking about?
In that span of 30 seconds all those thoughts went through my head, i also don't have a filter. So i will usually say something out of line, that other people don't find suitable for interactions with other people.
Do you see something now? Those things that i wrote above went through my head in such a short span. I didn't stay on one single topic for too long, and most things i forget when i try too think about something else.
But things i deem important to me? those ALWAYS stay on my mind. I truly held Thread above me. Still do, And i also want to help her. i can't do that as i am though. How though? Well i find those things out as i go. Because nobody knows how i think, how i rapidly change emotions, or how i feel. This is what adhd does. there's other things. but i don't think i can stay on topic for long without thinking of something else.
Thank you for reading.
-Sam
