2018

a week from when u left me

i want to clear the air- to get everything off of my chest.
my heart is fucking mutilated without you. i know that "first loves are always hard to get over". i just want to tell you that i appreciate our time together. my most favorite memories, that while saddens me, make me calm in a way- when we'd kiss: it felt so right and i melt honestly thinking about when we'd kiss. not even really in a sexual way- it was just so inviting and safe. when you'd sit cross legged and i'd sit on your lap and we would hug each other and sway back and forth (it was always so peaceful). i would rest my chin on your shoulder and close my eyes and i was so content, whole almost. when you would lay on the bed and i'd lay on top of you- we would just lie there and rest or talk about nonsense. it always felt like i was complete when i was with you but especially in those moments it really, truly seemed like we were made for each other. the way it felt laying on top of your chest, cuddled up next to you or even crying into your chest made me feel complete. there's no proper way to describe it. i would give my heart and soul to feel that again right about now.
it took me months to really believe that you liked me. i was convinced you'd break up with me in the span of a couple of weeks. took me months to stop comparing myself to your ex girlfriend. took me months to believe that you actually wanted to be with me. and then over time my heart grew to yours and i soon stopped saying "when we breakup" to "if". relationships always scared me because it was just another opportunity to be left. and i really didn't ever see myself as a monogamous person- i thought of myself to be a one night stand human. but then you came along. and all of that changed shortly after. i still don't like the concept of marriage or kids but i know that if i ever did- i would want it to be with you. i understand fully: that i am young, we are young- i am inexperienced, i am naive and still have so much more to grow as a person.
so i know i probably sound silly and dramatic as i say all of this and i'm not really sure what is unfolding before me because my brain has made it so difficult to see clearly. one thing i do know is that i loved you. and i still do. i always will.
isai granados, you have a built yourself a home in my heart.
i know things got pretty awful towards the end. and all of it is on the account of me. this i understand truly and for that i apologize to you isai. it was not fair to you- that i could not handle my own problems and took them out on you. you didn't deserve that.
i know i was nearly always annoyed with you in some way and i seemed apathetic and uncaring.
i do care, i still care.
i am sorry, truly from every fiber in my bones, for hurting you.
it is my own doing that i am where i am right now- sad and without my love
that's the tragedy of life- we don't see our faults until it's too late and you're stuck dealing with the repercussions. unfortunately this is something i will have to learn from.
i still long for you. it's hard to do anything when your half of your soul has been ripped away from you. you're left crippled, bleeding and crying out for the one person that holds your heart.
i think about how we aren't together and i get this lump in my throat. i see your pictures, all of the love letters you've given me, i hear a song, i see a certain place and these memories come flooding back to me- i'm left drowning in a sea of these images of us and my own salty tears. i see you in the hallways and i can't help but to look up at the lights in hopes to make my tears vanish and swallow my sorrows.
i know that it's only been a week, and that time will heal all wounds. but as of now i cannot bear the thought of my life without you. i think of the possibility of us getting back together and my heart leaps. i think of how you said that we're just too young and that maybe sometime in the future we will stumble back into each other's lives. i think of you finding someone who you deserve and this intense feeling of dread and anxiousness ball up in my stomach.
while i want absolutely nothing but the best for you- i am too, selfish and i want you for myself.
i am going to a new psychiatrist for new meds.
while my heart still only beats for you- i will not let this time of heartache go to waste. it's a time of self reflection for me. i think this period of independence will prove most helpful in making myself better as an individual.
you are a remarkable person. absolutely extraordinary. never had i have anyone so truly thoughtful and caring be by my side. with or without me, everything will work out for you. your mental troubles and home life difficulties will dissipate in time.
i hope you know that i miss you more than anything- that i love you and always will. i wish for us to get back together but i know that if you are meant to be in my life as my sweetheart, then it will be and we will make it work.
i'm always here if you need me.
thank you