I found myself unconsiously pushing others away. With teary eyed i stared blankly at the ceiling. I started questioning myself. Do i matter?
Mahirap din pala mag karon ng depression no? Kung dati isa ako sa mga madaling humusga sa mga taong nag lalaslas at nag papakamatay ngayon, di ko na magawa. It was really disgusting for me to judge them.
"Ang arte mo naman para yan lang"
"famewhore ka lang eh wag mo nga gamitin yang depression na excuse"
"paawa ka lang eh"
"papansin nanaman"
That was my exact thoughts pag may nakikita ako tweet ng friends ko about sa problema nila. Hindi ko naman sinasabi saka nila ng harapan pero at the back of my mind ganyan ganyan ang iniisip ko. Kase para sakin nag iinarte lang sila at hindi naman talaga sila nalulungkot, gusto lang nila mag papansin.
Pero ngayong nararamdaman ko na yung nararamdaman nila bigla akong nahiya sa sarili ko. I am so disspointed to my self. Paano ko nagawa mag isip ng ganon sa kapwa ko? Mas lalo pa kong nagsisi nung dinamayan nila ako. Nung sinabi ko sakanila na may problema ako.
With no judgement and with sincerety. They told me that i am special and precious. That i should not think ill of myself.
And at that point of my life i decided to treasure my friends. Kaya para sa mga taong nag iisip na depression is joke please, think again. Depression is not that easy to deal with dahil hindi sya yung tipong nasaktan ka lang sa isang salita at ayun na yung dahilan kung bakit na depress ka. no. Its more than that. Depression is actually bigger than what you think.
Pag may depression ka hindi ka makakatulog ng maayos babalik at babalik lahat ng mga masasakit na pang yayari sa buhay. You'll constantly think sa mga pag kakamali na nagawa at maguguilty ka which leads to starving yourself. Kasi feeling mo di mo deserve to kaya gagawin mo yun.
at ang pinaka malala is your loss of interest in anything which include your passion. That is the most heartbreaking thing na mangyayari sayo pag nasa state of depression ka, yung mga bagay na gustong gusto mong gawin noon hindi mo na magagawa. Kaya please dont make the same mistake that i did to my friends. If you have a friend that is suffering from depression please tell them that they matter pero dapat parin talaga mag pa check sya sa psychiatrist since sila naman yung professional so ayun lang and please please please if you feel like hindi ka importante o malungkot ka nandito lang ako para kausapin ka.
ill end it here
[January 9 2018]
YOU ARE READING
Me when i think
Random[TW: Suicide, Eating disorder, Intrusive thoughts and depression] In here lies my deepest thoughts, hidden desires, pent up resentment and anger Disclaimer: there are lots of grammatical errors in my entries bc i just usually write this at the spur...
