When Lights Go Out

Who Am I

"My name is Marcie. I have no life. My skin is an absolute disaster, and I look like a middle-aged gay hipster. My thighs are too fat, and my eyes are always puffy. My face is always red and my lips have weird indentions. I'm not pretty. I'm not much of anything.

"Lies seem to flow from my mouth, only to reveal themselves at later times. These words, however, are the truth. I may seem like a typical teenage disaster who thinks she deserves attention, but I'm not. I'm just trying to leave a mark that gets people thinking. I don't want to be forgotten or hated, but that seems to be my only talent around here at this point.

"I sit sometimes and wonder what everyone would be like if I weren't here. If they had never met me. Would they be happier? Would they feel empty? Would they think more clearly and be more intelligent? I'll never know the answers to these questions. I want to feel like I'm worth something to these people though. I want to matter."

I closed the pages of my diary, only to wonder what would happen if someone found it. It was new, but I couldn't imagine if someone had read my emotions. I placed it under the loose floorboard of my room, along with the pills and pocket knives. My addiction was getting worse. It wasn't necessarily a drug addiction. The pills were actually birth control. Not that I needed them, since I'm a lonely virgin anyways.

I sat down on the floor and put my head in my knees. The conversations I had had that say ran through my mind as I picked out each mistake I made that day. Things only seemed to be getting worse for me. After what seemed like forever of recovery, my depression was attacking me again. I had finally gotten off if my meds, but nothing is ever good enough for my body.

I almost missed that feeling of fake happiness. What the pills did for me. I didn't want the appointments though. I would always have to visit someone for my refills. I was sick of it. I wanted to get away from the doctors and "professionals."

I watched the sun rise. I didn't sleep that night, and I was feeling a little insane. Each minute that the sky lightened, I felt a piece of my sanity break apart. Like it did every morning. With everything that went wrong.