3 am
I often used to wonder why do people love this 3 am or why do they stay up so late. But now I know, I know it all; for it being the best yet the most unbearable time of the day... night?! A time where I'm wild awake writing about everything that is striking the already annoyed mind of mine which unfortunately is turning something related to you, annoying me further to such extend where I'm getting numb... slowly... little by little. And I know you are there ... maybe enjoying your beauty sleep, or just having some random chat with people who love you or cares a lot about your well-being.
Then what am I doing here? Crying? Screaming? No I'm not crying and screaming ... I'm just sitting here, writing you down in my diary to hide you ... hide you away from everyone. You told me you were mine and so I'm just hiding mine you from everyone else. I don't want mine you to meet anyone else. I'm not hurt... Or maybe I'm. But you gave me this 3 am love so I wouldn't complain. If it wasn't for you I would be asleep by now. You gave me the pain and so, I took the pen. And the time you hammered my heart ... little by little in those tiny pieces, is the time when my scattered notes began turning into something meaningful and beautiful .... something painful. No, I don't have those sweating eyes and your name written over my body. I won't go on rooftops and shout your name on top of my lungs. I am not going to be a Juliet... writing you letter and declaring my love. I don't have a thing to show... maybe I don't want to. For you are always in hurry, be it declaring your love or running away from it ... too fast. But I'm sorry ... I'm a slower one and maybe that's why everyday you pushed me away from you. I'm not that dumb love, I understand I was never the kind you wanted.
For an old soul like me I knew you weren't the one ... you knew it too. But maybe for you it was fascinating ... to talk to a soul who wasn't into late night parties and the drugs known by her were only the black letters scribble on white pages. Or maybe the one who knew how to laugh out loud and snort like some animal when others out there were too elegant and faked the laugh. For the one who wouldn't act all childish and innocent to gain all the attention. You know it all but then what was it ... no tell me ... LOVE? ATTRACTION? SOME REALLY INTERESTING PUZZLE? GAME? ENTERTAINMENT? AN ALTERNATIVE OPTION? Tell me love what was it for you?Because for me I know I loved you with everything I had. Were you too ashamed to actually accept me for whom I'm or it was just how you normally behave? Was I over the top or below the mark? I wasn't someone with whom you would stand with or were my standards low? Was I too demanding or I was too ignorant? I did little extra or I did nothing? Was I this was I that blah blah blah ! I don't know what I was because I was anything but you.
No I don't hate you because for all I have loved you and just because I can't have you don't mean I'll hate you. Why is that you'll ask or maybe you'll think I'm desperate but no love, I'm not desperate and clingy. You know, when a doll gets old you may ignore her presence but you can't hate her. Be it totally broken, with tattered hands and all. You won't hate her because she at a moment has been a dear one... the one you loved truly. And if you love someone truly you can never hate them... you can ignore them, you may not talk but a little piece of you will always love them, a piece of you will always care. And yeah so I won't hate you.So what will I do? Stalk your accounts? Claim I'm better than anyone you have been with or will ever be with? Or just post our pictures with hash tags I miss you... I love you? Will I go around and prove that I have loved you better and I will love you more than anything else... what we say is to the moon and back? Will I beg you to stay for a minute more? Or will I have those grey conversations? Will I ping you up once in awhile to complain how unfair you have been? Will I... No I will not do either of it. What you should really think is will you be free? Will you be able to leave all your promise behind and live without any regret or will our words haunt you? Would you never ever think about how fake your words are or how well you hide those lethal truths beneath your charm? Most importantly will you be freed by me? For this, no love, you will never be free... from all the lies you threw on my face, from all those fake promises, from your own fake self, from the soul you ruined... never will you ever be free. I'll cage you with my words; I won't let that soul of yours be free. For every time my word will cry, you will feel the pain. For every silent agony in my words, you will scream. You would want to do something, a thing which would give you comfort... but my words won't let you.
