MAKE IT COUNT.

easy way isn't always the best way

"i just-" she paused, "wait, are you okay? what happened to your voice?" she asked in concern.

he cleared his throat to make his voice clearer, "nothing, j- just. . .a little fever," it didn't help.

"have you taken your medicines?" finn nodded. there was silence for a few moments, "millie, tell me what's wrong," he commanded and patted the empty space on his bed so she sat there immediately, a little less space between them this time.

"i- i had a dream," she played with her hands. "what kind of dream? was it scary?" he asked.

"it wasn't entirely scary, it was more. . .weird," she began, "i was with you in my dream. and. . .it was different, you were different," she paused while he faced her and fully paid attention, "you were two-legged and. . .you were cheerful. and god, you were really tall," finn couldn't help but chuckle, "we weren't in a hospital, we were at my backyard. and the finn in my dream is so unlike you, you know. you were all smiley and cheesy and you weren't mysterious and quiet. we were jamming out to every breath you take while dancing and everything was normal and e- easier," she said, preventing eye contact.

"oh," he leaned against the headboard and stared at a distance, "well, i was tall because i'm 5'8 so,"

"holy shit, really?" he slightly chuckled, "yeah," there was silence that filled the room when he broke it,

"did you like that finn?" he asked out of curiosity. millie thought for a moment while nervously biting her lip, "i'm not gonna lie to you," she paused, "i did," she replied and waited for finn's reaction.

"oh," he said once again. millie noticed that finn's eyes grew insecure. "but you know what?" she shifted and faced him, "the finn in my dream made me realize that the easy way is not always the best way," she began, "i like you finn because you're— finn," she slightly giggled when he tilted his head in confusion, "i like you because you're you. . .you're real. and i don't want any other finn. i don't want the finn that makes life easier, i want you to be complicated and messy. . .i want to keep fixing you up and i don't want to ever stop,"

"i don't want to change you unless you need it. i don't want that finn, i want this finn. and i know i complain about you being cold and mysterious most of the time but you mean so much to me finn, even if you're this big and complicated mess. i want you to be who you are, i want to see your flawed side. i don't want the perfect finn, i want the real finn because the real finn is the perfect finn, so show me that side. you don't have to hide anything from me, because i appreciate you for who you are,"

"i'm trying-"

"i know you are," she cut him off, "i know you're trying. and that's all i want from you," she held his hand tightly.

"so i'm a mess, you're a mess," he chuckled, "we're the biggest messes. but promise me we'll never stop fixing each other up,"

"i promise," millie said firmly.

//

finn got back to his room with his mother from taking chemo session just a few minutes ago. "finn, honey, dr. harbour said you have to take these pills after your session," her mother handed him a container.

finn coldly looked at her and quickly grabbed the pills and swallowed it. there was pure silence in the room until finn spoke, "why are you here?"

finn's mother snapped out of her thoughts, "you need me here, finn," she put her hand on top of his hand. the younger boy just stared at their hands while trying not cry, "that's not what i meant," he sighed, "of all the time you had, why did you only have the audacity to visit your son just now?"

"honey, i-"

"why mom? because you forgot about me just like how you forgot about dad?!" finn removed his hand that was on top of his mother's aggressively.

"i did not forget you, finn. neither your father. i will never forget him, he will always be a part of this family. for god sakes finn, don't ever accuse me that i don't care about your father. i- i will always love him," his mother said in between sobs.

"then why, mom? why?" he said, desperation in his eyes. "your step dad convinced me not to," she confessed.

finn looked at her in disbelief, "yes finn, i am a terrible mother. i let him trick my mind but that's only because i was afraid that he would leave me too like your father did, i was scared of being alone. but now i realized that it wasn't right, that my son needs me. and i- i need you finn, i need my son, i'm sorry," she said, her eyes fully swollen.

finn shook his head, "you were scared of being alone? then what did you think i felt being here with no one right beside me?"

"honey, i-"

"you left your son alone in this fucking hospital so you can achieve that love story bullshit you have with that man?!" he snapped. but he wasn't mad, he was rather hurt.

"finn-"

"no, i don't need your explanations anymore, mom. because no matter what your intentions are, you still hurt me. you left me here all alone, wondering if i still have a family who's willing to visit me or think about me at least. i waited for so many days," he paused because of his uncontrollable sobs, "i can't help but feel jealous at patients who still had someone to willingly visit them every single day even if their families knew they were dying,"

"i- i know, i know it's all my fault son. i'm so sorry. b-but, please, let me make things right," she held his hand tightly with both of her hands.

"i can't accept your forgiveness right now, mom. but i know someday i will. because no matter what, even if the world turns upside down you're still my mother," he paused, "but i can't promise you that i can forget all the pain you caused me," he wiped his tears away.

"but do you know what's the worst part about dying and having no one right beside you? it's that you're always wondering what the hell just happened to being happy,"