.seafoam dreams [evangelion]

.set the ocean aflame

I don't wanna fall, fall away
I don't wanna fall, fall away
I'll keep the lights on in this place
'Cause I don't wanna fall, fall
away.

-fall away, twenty one pilots

-
"I can feel everything you feel, see things in your perspective" he hears Kaworu say "when you let me in."

Shinji's left hand twitches slightly, he feels like he's drifting from nothing yet everything.

The universe, he'd imagine, this is what it must be, being a part of the universe.

"I only hear the thoughts you would like me to hear, your mind right now is like a door."

Shinji frowns slightly, eyes closed. Still, he would like to open them but something lulls him not to.

Not yet, Shinji.

"Your thoughts, the ones you want me to hear, that door of yours opens." He explains  "Once your mind closes, I can not force you to open it."

Everything is dark, and oddly, warm. He always thought it would be empty and cold, like others perceived it to be.

This was comforting, this was like being in a mother's womb.

"Shinji...where are you?"

The words echoed off, and Shinji finally opens his eyes.

He finds his mother beneath the warm water.

LCL, he thinks. He's breathing here, in the ocean, the water must be made of  LCL.

Yui Ayanami, her eyes were gentle and kind. Her short brown hair flowing in dreamlike movements as best they can. She looks like a broken soul, forever forced into a drowned human body. Shinji thinks she looks momentarily peaceful, he had imagine what she would look like from memory.

This one felt different.

He isn't really surprised to see her here, there's no surge feeling of fear, no leap in his stomach, no rush of blood or regret.

Nothing

He simply feels nothing.

I know that's not really you, he thinks.  You...were gone long before any of this, before Third Impact, weren't you?

Shinji feels a cynical smile at the very corner of his mouth. As if this was all some silly joke, he shakes his head.

But you're fake, Shinji thinks, smiling tiredly. This, this is all fake, isn't it? He reaches out a hand. His movement slow, from the current of the waves, all coming towards his direction at once.

To touch the illusion that is his mother, his fingers placed on her cheek.

Cold, he thinks. It's cold.

His mother swiftly changes to someone familiar, someone he once loved and yet still loves. The boy, in his illusion, smiles. A genuine smile, and reaches out towards him.

And Shinji, for a moment, chuckles and thinks, I didn't wish this.

This, Kaworu, these feelings, this...remorse.

All of this, this is the last thing in the world, that I would wish for.

His fingers nearly grace the fluttering white hair that was of the boy, seeing Kaworu inches away from him as he leans in, vanishing before their lips made contact. The last part of Kaworu that Shinji sees is his peaceful smile-a smile that hold such care and love towards him, it hurts him.

Shinji curls into a ball, holding his knees tightly and squeezes his eyes shut.

You are the last thing, in this world, that I would wish for.