Letters to My Future Self

When things fall apart - Open 11/28/20

Let go of the toxins. The toxins who are holding you back. The toxins who put you down. The toxins that may you feel stupid. The toxins that spread things. The toxins who are fake. The toxins who aren't there for you. They are toxic and you know it. Why not get rid of them. Cut them off. Excommunicate them from your mind. Toxins are what ruin you. They ruin your mind. They ruin your thinking. So, why don't you get rid of them. I'm ignorant. I know. I know I've held on to the toxins. I feel bad for them. They seem helpless. They seem hurt. They seem broken. They aren't. They use you. They use you for themselves. They aren't sick. They are trying to make you sick. They hide behind their shell. They hide from the world. They are fake to draw you in. They are fake to make you pity them. This is what they want. They want to use you. They will let you go eventually. So why not let them go first? You know he's a toxin. He's fake. He wants attention every moment he gets. He says he's broken, but is he? Is he really broken, or is that him hiding behind the shell that toxins do. He is one of them. He isn't with you to benefit you. He's only here to be a parasite. He's trying to infect you. He's trying to bring you down with him. He's an anchor to your ship, and you can't let him sink you. You can't let him ruin all that you have worked for. Let him go. Let him go before he lets you go. If you wait, you'll be the bad guy. You'll be the one who is the pain maker, and you aren't that. Your true friends will know who you are, and they will know that what you are doing is right. They sure do now. Let that toxin go. Let it go. Let it be free from your life. Once it is free, you won't have it holding you back. You won't have it holding you down to its level. You won't have to experience its selfishness. He is a toxin and he needs to be set free. Once you set something free, it is in no way able to hold you back any longer. Forget that they seem broken. They aren't broken. They are trying to make you broken, and you aren't broken yet. You aren't broken. You can rise above this. 

Let it heal you. Let it be a main part of your life. Don't listen to what others want you to listen to. You are you, and thats the best thing you can be what. So what if it isn't the type they tell you that you should be listening to. Its not girly, its not annoying, its not abstract, its not bad. Its you. You are who you are and don't let them change that. Stay true to yourself. Listen to whatever pleases your ear. It is what helps you cope with it all. It helps you release all the bad thoughts. It helps you channel your emotions. It was created to heal. It was created to express things that couldn't be expressed just by talking. It feels pain, just like you. It feels broken, just like you. Listen to what heals you. Listen to what helps you cope. Don't be a subject of conformity. Conformity is the enemy. It isn't conforming to anything, so why should you? Let it heal you. Let it liberate you. Let it feel your pain. Feel it's pain. It is what has been around since the beginning of time so shouldn't it be considered a remedy. It is a remedy to a broken heart, a broken mind, a broken soul. This is why they use it in gospel. They use it to express their gratitude. They use it to praise. They let it heal their soul. You must let it heal your soul because when your soul is healed, your mind is clear, and who ever said a clear mind isn't a good thing. Keep your mind open and let it heal you, let it heal your broken and battered soul.

It's a long wait for me. I know you already have it, and you are probably sick of it. I want it so bad. It's what signifies my freedom. It's what signifies that I have enough responsibility. It's what signifies that I'm almost an adult. It means that i'll be leaving soon. It means that i'll need to grow up soon. It means that i'll be on my own soon. It means so many things. Things that are difficult to understand at the moment. I hope you handled the freedom well and didn't let it get the best of you. I want it so bad. I want to be on my own to travel freely. I want to explore new places. I want to work for things. I want to live. I can't live without this. I need it yet I don't. I'm not a kid anymore but I'm not ready to grow up. I'm in this limbo state. I want to be free yet I don't. Maybe that's one of the feelings as a teenager. Maybe its just my mind. Maybe it's just who I am. I need it soon. I need it to be free.

The judge you so much at this time. I thought it would be easy. I thought it would be different. They say its bad and they are right. They are right about the judgement. They are right about the stress. They are right about the death. They are right about the pain. They are right about the happiness. They are right about it all. They are right. It's bad now, but it gets better doesn't it. It improves? I hope you have gotten past this. I hope you have seen the world in a new way. I hope this experience has prepared you. This journey is opening my eye. It's showing me that I'm not perfect. It's showing me that I've made bad decisions. I've learned a lot in these past two years. I have done a lot of growing up, but not enough. I'm in a state in the middle. In a state where you don't know where to go or what to do. You don't know how to go through life. You're lost. You're broken. You want to be found. Maybe you have been found when you are reading this. I'm sure you will. You have them to support you. They will help you along the way. They will mend you when you are broken. They will pull you out of your pit of despair. They will be there. In the end, it will be better won't it? It gets better doesn't it? Please make sure it gets better. For me. I need your help to keep me safe. I need you to be the strong one who pulls through this. Don't end up like one of them. Don't end up on your deathbed. Don't go off the hill. Please, be safe. We have a story to tell. We have a personal legend to fulfill. Please, for me, make sure we are safe. Always be careful and don't let an emotional time get the best of you. Don't make impulsive or hasty decision. It will affect your life and you will let me down. Don't let me down. Don't lose control. Please, be safe. 

This letter is to you and only you. Only you will understand who it is about. Only you will understand the feelings you are going through. Only you will know how you felt back at this time. Only you will know what you felt for someone. Only you will understand this. I hope this means a lot to you and you continue this. I hope that you are doing well. I hope that it has gotten easier. I hope that you have achieved your goals. I hope you are found and you are healed. I hope you are you and never want to change that. I hope you feel loved. I want the best for you and so do you. We are the same yet different. You are grown up, I'm not. I hope you find the light in the dark room. I hope you are safe.

- Matthew Irwin 

11/29/17 : 12:03 AM

Macbook Air 13 inch (2012)