A Christian Journal: Stories and Struggles

11/21/17

I am saying this now, religion is throwing me all over the place. I have wanted to be a Christian since I was 6 or 7, and I have gone to church with my mom and nana, but only twice. I've wanted to read the Bible (although I don't think it is a primary source or 100% true) for a while, and my nana bought me a study Bible last year for Christmas, but here is where my biggest struggle with my religion began.

After my nana bought me the Bible, I started reading it everyday and I made sure I would pray. I kept up this habit for a few months, and tried to have a strong relationship with God. But after a few months, it all started to fall apart. I eventually started to stop reading the Bible and forgot to pray, and my relationship with God slowly fell apart.

Not a long time after that, I started to learn about satanism, and a short time after I found out about satanism, I become a satanist. Worshipping Satan didn't seem like a bad thing to me, because I didn't have to sacrifice babies or kill anybody like most people thing of when they think of satanism.

After a while I began to think of how religion just seemed like nonsense in general, and soon was an atheist.

My religion went back and forth between atheist and satanist for about 6 months, and then things became even more difficult and confusing and stressful for me. I didn't believe in god anymore, and I was sure of that.

During that time, I was so stressed out because of school, and I was beginning to feel confused about my gender and sexuality, and I was confused with what I wanted to do with my life.

This caused a lot of anxiety and depression for me, and I was honestly just so lost and confused (as I have pretty much repeated about 29 times now).

A few weeks as this slowly become worse, I started seeing more signs, ads, articles, etc., etc. about God and having a relationship with God. At first I just ignored it and acted like none of that was there, but I slowly remembered what it was like when I was a Christian and how I felt so much happier and peaceful.

I eventually started to read the Bible again and started praying again, and I'm still trying to make it a habit again. While I am still struggling with a lot of things, including religion, I know God will help me, because he is already helping my build my relationship with him again, and has helped me in many other ways with my problems that I couldn't solve on my own, but also couldn't get the help from others.

~Drew