"Some people who obviously aren't as good of friends as they think they are," I retorted. We only ever argue to figure something out or fix our friendship. And when we do(which is on rare occasion) it's serious and to the point. We don't use snarky remarks, we don't use comebacks, and we don't say anything just to insult one another. I meant what I said. It wasn't supposed to put them down or make them feel bad. I just wanted them to actually realize what they were doing. But of course, they all took it the wrong way. They're faces grew even angrier, and for a second, I was even scared.
"Is that really how you feel about us?" Jordan demanded. The hurt and frustration in his voice immediately makes me regret what I said, but I stand by what I said because it's still true.
"You guys have been acting like I don't even exist. I get that you guys have girlfriends, but would it really kill you to just take a minute out of your day to at least acknowledge my existence?" I ask.
"Would it kill you to just let us have our own lives for once?" I'm taken aback by Declan's angry, even dangerous, tone.
"What do you-" he cuts me off before I can finish.
"Do you have any idea how much work you are? We're always there for you when you're having one of your depressive episodes or when you have a nightmare. Let's not forget who's always there to protect you from bullies, cause you can sure as hell bet no one else will. And do you have any idea how much work it is to even be nice to you because you're always so freaking hesitant to do anything? It's like you never want to spend any time with us, but as soon as we start talking to someone else, we're the bad guys. What's with that?" his rant left me speechless.
"Is that really how you think of me?" I didn't mean for my voice to sound so small and quiet, but that's how it came out. Declan leaned down so that his face was only a few inches from mine, and for the first time, I didn't see my friend Declan. I saw a Declan who wanted to hurt me, to make me cry, to make me feel more pain than I'd ever felt before.
"You said we're not as good of friends as we thought we were. But quite frankly, Naomi, I think you're just not as important to us as you thought you were." And he did.
End of Flashback
I stared up at the ceiling as the tears flowed freely down my face. They were all I had. They were the only ones who ever made me feel cared for, loved, or human.
I held a pillow tightly to my chest to muffle my sobs. It's an indescribably painful feeling to know that there is no one else who cares about you, loves you, or even wants you around. To know that there may never be anyone who ever does.
And there's another, slightly smaller feeling that's shadowed by the pain. It's called anger. And of course I'm mad. I'm mad at the world for treating me so unfairly. For being so cruel and painful. For hurting me so much and enjoying it even more.
I'm mad at the boys for leaving me so harshly. For saying those things when they already know I feel so bad about how much work I am. For saying them when they already know I second-guess everything about myself and put so much work into convincing myself that I'm not just a burden.
And I'm mad at myself for being me. For being so unlovable and easy to hate. For being so sensitive and for letting what they said hurt me as much as it did. For being so naive and thinking that someone could actually care about me.
I let my thoughts take over again and do nothing to stop my screaming or sobbing or tugging at my already messy hair. Any bit of control, any bit of restraint I had was gone now. I had completely lost myself and it was both terrifying and relieving.
Decomi - I'd be lying if I said I was okay right now
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