Love...

Hurt

Have you ever been hurt so bad by someone, you weren't even able to stand? All you could do is lay in bed and cry all day? I have. And it sucks. Let me tell you a story. A little over a year ago, I met this guy. Oh god did I fall in love with him. I was head over heels within the first week. It was bliss. But like any other young female, I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I didn't know what to feel, how to think, to say. I wasn't sure of anything at all. I had never been with a guy, ever. Barely ever spoken to one. It was easy with him. The first couple months were amazing and simple and I knew I loved him. Then we had our very first fight. I remember it like it was yesterday. The night before, I was over at his house and he had to leave for some reason. He had left his phone and I was already suspicious. I found out that he was seeing some other girl and what I read, broke me. I admit, that's one of the biggest things I regret doing because he might still be here with me. Anyways, when he got back I asked if i could leave, which was odd for him to hear because I always hated going home. I always tried to stay as long as I could. He had said sure, give me about 15 mins. It took all I had in those 15 minutes and the car ride home, not to break down. He asked all me the whole ride if I was okay and that made it worse. So much worse because it sounded like he genuinely cared and maybe he did. I cried all night that night. Didn't text or call him at 4am like I usually did. Could barely talk to him the next day and then that next night, he snapped on me.  Started saying a bunch of crap and i was too tired to continue arguing. But my very final message said, "I'm done. Hope she can do your laundry and take as good of care of you as I did." And I fell asleep. He texted back around 5 am saying he hasn't spoke to her in weeks and didn't know what was wrong with me. His second message said "I love you and care about you and would still do anything for you" and some days that's all that used to keep me going. It was fine for a while after that. We got along and had late night movie dates and went on random drives. It was fun. I was happy. Until a few weeks later and everything went downhill again. Man, we were just like fire and gasoline. Not meant to be at all. We fought everyday for 3 weeks. I cried and cried and yelled and became very depressed. More than I usually was. You eventually apologized for your absurd behavior and of course, me being the total in love moron I am, I accepted your apology. It was like we had met all over again. You were super sweet and didn't get annoyed with every little thing. I was happy again. So freaking happy. Then my depression creeped up on me again. I relapsed. Quit eating. Started cutting again. Hid it from him, as long as I could. He eventually found out. He was so upset and pissed. It was horrible seeing him like that but I couldn't stop. I was too far in and was so close to just killing myself. The late night phone calls and texts came more often and his shoulder had gotten used to my tears. I tried to stop. Tried so freaking hard and every time I thought I was at the top of the hill, I slipped and tumbled down. He was always right there to catch me, except one of the very last times. He had gotten fed up with, like everyone else, and left. Left me all alone. I had pushed everyone away and didn't know what to do. He eventually picked me back up but made it very obvious that it was gonna be the very last time. And it was. I haven't seen him since. Just around town and in dreams. I think about him all the time. All the time and no one has a single clue. It's like everyone has given up on me except a couple people. They've stuck around and I'm very thankful for that. Without them, I may not be here right now.

Thanks. Xxx