why feelings?...

numb?

This pain is worse than death this fake smile on my face hides my true feelings seeing other people happy makes me feel like i'm doing something right in my life, i have lost my everything this last 2 months i lost one of my great friends, i let go of the love of my life the reason why i smile everyday the one thing that made me feel like a real person, he was the one thing that really kept me here but i made a promise to him that i wouldn't do anything stupid even if shit got worse and i'm keeping the promise, i know that i shouldn't care anymore i mean he's just an ex right?? No he's not just an ''ex' you can't just drop feeling after 6 months almost i can't because when i love someone i put my everything into it my love will never change for someone me and right now i'm trying to make myself believe that he played me maybe if i think he played me it wouldn't hurt so bad maybe if make myself believe that i let him go for a good reason that i just didn't let him go for nothing, my heart breaks everytime i see him smile and it's not because of me, i can't say i don't miss him because i do when i can't sleep or eat or when my mind fills with thoughts i can no longer can control when my mind won't stop he was the one thing that would help me now i fucked things up he moved on and i'm really trying to this girl that i had a thing with way back in the day are trying to have a thing but i can't i just want to be numb i don't want to feel because every time i try to love someone i can only think is how i loved him and i'm sick of thinking of him. But i can't love anyone or anything i tried to care and all i did was make myself hurt more people can think i'm crazy they can think whatever they want but i'm no player i can't drop my feeling like he can but i will one day but today nor tomorrow is the day, a day after another i will heal but i need to be alone i don't want to feel for no one everyone right now is just something to give myself a reason to be alive, he was the reason but now there's nothing no one cares about me anyway they're all just fake people the only reason why half of these girls are all over me is because they think i'm pretty whatever that means but with him it felt like i could vibe with him but things change everyone's asking me how i can keep all this all bottled up and how i'm so strong, guys i really don't know maybe because i numb myself away from everyone i keep to myself the only thing i care about right now is nothing buts all good i'm ok i like being numb i rather be numb then feel somthing about someone i shouldn't,

(i will put a page on everyday)